feeding the bubbe

it went well yesterday... my grandmother fussed a bit and said she didn't want to be there, but everyone was kind and patient and caring with her. at one point she looked me in the eye and said, who put me here, to which i looked back and said, "I did." they promised me they'd scrub her. i'm hoping when i go over there this morning i have a fresh, clean roey waiting for me.

she asked me why i put her in a nursing home and i explained she wasn't in a nursing home ... she was in an assisted living complex and the apartment she was in - which is much larger than the two rooms she'd reduced herself to living in - is ALL hers. she asked me for her pocketbook, and actually perked up when i showed her the pretty new one i had bought for her. she perked up a bit when i showed her the pretty new dressing gown i bought, too... all soft sages and rose pinks.

one reason it went so well yesterday was that i was able to rely on my dear sweet generous husband. for some reason, i Knew i was supposed to assign him the task of doing a small shopping for roey - skim milk, rice pudding, a soft apple cake, bananas, ice cream - all the soft, sweet gooey things you should have as much as you want of when you are 94. the most convenient grocery store on the way is coincidentally the kosher grocery store, the one where my husband routinely stops for all the foods he remembers from his brooklyn childhood.

i didn't understand why i was Supposed to ask him to do this. i didn't understand why he was the one who was supposed to bring her the food, or why it had to come from there. all i know is that somehow, he was Supposed to do this.

until last night, as we were reflecting on the day. he leaned over and said that while shopping for my grandmother, he had a spiritual kind of experience. i never really had a bubbe, he said...his died when he was very little and most of his memories of her are terrifying. and inside myself, i felt a piece of something click into place. something healed in don yesterday, some small deep piece so far inside his soul, even he was barely aware of it. but i could see it in his face as he gazed at me with tears in his eyes. i never had a bubbe, he said again.
but you do now, i replied. he grinned like a little boy and he said, yes... yes, exactly... that's exactly how i felt..standing there, buying her food... i could tell the old lady who dishes out the kugel, i'm buying this for my bubbe.

something sacred happened in that moment, something divine was present in that oh so mundane moment of procuring food for an old sick lady. i looked at don, i saw the healing shining in his eyes, and i thought... wow.... if this is that good for HIM... i wonder what's in it for ME? (i'm a witch, not a saint.)

last night i attended a workshop on hawaiian huna magic. one of the stories we were told involved how pele tests those who seek her favor by appearing as an old woman in need of kindness. if you scorn her, watch out, but if you help her, and respond to her with gentleness and caring, she showers you with abundance and blessings.

the goddess is alive and magick is afoot! blessed be!