what happened after that

almost twelve years have gone by since that moment.

by all the cultural norms, you could say it's ended happily. but i know that's a lie. nothing's ended - but perhaps our courtship. nothing's ended, not even our choice. i'm HERE, for the moment, but i haven't ended up anywhere. please don't write my final chapter before i do, i always think.

the choice to marry on the verge of the darkest days of the year, at the darkest time of the moon, was very much meant to recognize that the choice i make today may not be the choice i make tomorrow, that nothing lasts forever and all of us stand perched upon the parapets of time.

the Tower card in the tarot reminds us that what we hold secure, even the very ground beneath our feet, may suddenly open up beneath us when we very least expect it. to live with that razor-edge awareness lends a texture to my outlook that is not always sweet.

and the Towers, they are falling.

this friday, Beloved and i will go to my grandmother's house at the shore, to do the final sorting of her things. the house must be closed up for the winter, her possessions sorted, packed and either prepared to be moved or thrown away.

it is a cup from which i would so much rather not drink. but how fitting that at the darkest time of the year, i go into this Dark Night. the sacredness of hecate, of kali ma, the goddesses of crossroads and of trash, lie like weights around my hands. when the child in me quails, i feel Them in my fingers.

why do i have to do this? why has it come to meeeeee?

Because, i hear the whisper, hard as granite, sure as earth, slithery as serpents over sand, you are the one who can.

and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be!