vagina monologues

a bunch of my friends and i went to see The Vagina Monologues performed at uconn health center in farmington. if it seems like an odd place and a strange venue, at least, as i said to one friend - the hospital's full of people who are comfortable saying and hearing the word "vagina."

but to tell you the truth, although i had wanted to see the show in a vague sort of way for quite a while now, the reason i went to see this particular version was at the urging of a ghost.

one of the ladies - a member of one of my writing circles - lost her father last summer. although nearly a year has gone by, my sense is that for this young woman, her father was as much her daddy as mine is to me. at our last gathering, i happened to be sitting next to her, and i could feel his presence quite strongly.

tell her im here, he kept insisting, giving me energetic pokes that feel a little bit like tiny electric shocks delivered directly to the marrow of one's bones.

but i don't do that. not everyone is open to spirits, not everyone welcomes a stranger into their emotional and spiritual lives. plus, the meeting was about writing. it would've been rude to interrupt the group.

you have to get her to ask me, i said silently to sara's daddy.

then the subject of the play came up - in which sara was performing - and i could feel how much he wanted his daughter to know he'd be there, how desperately he himself wanted to be there. i could feel how proud he was of her acting ability, how proud he was of her accomplishments in general, and how much he wanted everyone to appreciate his beautiful, talented, intelligent daughter.

i felt another one of those little pokes and the next thing i knew i was blurting out: "let's all go see the show!"

so seven of us did.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

knowing when to run

late yesterday, i got an email from a friend of mine that disturbed me very much. this past weekend, she had to call the police on her spouse. i don't know the details, but i do know the person in question has experienced anger and control issues in the past, and i've been worried about my friend for a long time...especially since she has very little children.

fifteen years ago this month, i found a letter from a divorce lawyer on my ex-husband's dresser, accepting a retainer to represent him. i don't know if he intended for me to find that letter, but i remember the absolute terror that coursed through me. my ex liked to use the threat of divorce as a club. what he forgot was that clubs can be picked up and swung the other direction.

he wasn't expecting me to serve him with papers first. to me, it felt like the bravest thing i've ever done. it took me a long time to stop being afraid of him and he spent years and untold energy attempting to use the legal system to punish me for having the temerity to leave. he's a lawyer, and he used every ounce of influence and knowledge of the courts against me in every way he could.

but i knew i had to leave ... i had to leave for five reasons. one, he wanted me to stop writing and he was doing everything possible to stop me. the small successes i'd enjoyed were too much for him to handle. you wouldn't be the first woman to put her career on hold for her family, he told me, the day i knew that we were really done.

the other four reasons were our children. somewhere i'd come to the conclusion that the relationship i was modeling for them was a dysfunctional one, that if my children were to ever have an idea of what a healthy relationship looked like, it wasn't going to be the one between their father and me.

everything i know about domestic violence tells me that my friend is in a great deal of danger, that the cycle is escalating, and that there's a possibility that the next time - and there is always a next time - the police won't get there in time to stop something terrible from happening.

this evening, on the tide of the waning moon, i offered the last pineapple from hawaii outside on my altar rock to the five Directions and these four fierce and guardian goddesses: White Buffalo Woman, Brigid, Mama Pele and Hecate. i put my friend into Their keeping and offered a pineapple quarter to each of them in turn. i asked Their blessing on my friend and her children, to keep them all safe.as i finished my small ritual, the wind, which had gone very still, suddenly began to blow.