Thursday, February 28, 2008

cutting the cord

i don't make friends lightly. i make friends easily enough - i am, generally, agreeable, easy-going and witty enough im amusing to keep around. but those who earn a place on the roster of those i trust, those i love, those i cherish, are few and rare and far between.

i remember once i said to my mother that i wished i was more like my sister, who even at five or six, managed to run with a gang of little girls up and down the neighborhood. well, my mother said, in a rare moment of connection, you dont have as many friends - but the intensity is deeper. you'll always be friends with your friends. sheila wont.

my mother's assessment came true. as i've gotten older, ive amassed quite a collection of friends - when you keep them forever, eventually, you rack up a bunch.

so it is with a sad and heavy heart, i contemplate the deliberate severance of such a bond. the Friend in question is not a very long time friend - but she is - or was - someone i considered a close friend. she was close in the sense i shared not just my gifts, but my hopes, my dreams, my fears with her. i let her see a little of the dark side of my soul and when it seemed she didn't flinch, i let her see a little more.

but now i realize i was deceived, not so much by the Friend, but by what i wished the Friend could be. i wanted her to value me as much as i valued her. i wanted her to understand my wounding in the way i tried to understand hers. and because i wanted these things, i made a mistake. i perceived what i wanted to see, and not what really was.

i have been resisting this crossroads, this severing, this winnowing. and yet, i see how necessary it is. there is a silence so deafening, it begs for a Voice to fill it.

im afraid i feel the words building in my brain.

and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be.


Ashley Ladd said...

Hugs. There's been a couple people in the past year that I had thought were friends, that I found were not, and so I had to severe the cords. I know it hurts. In one case I wonder if I was too judgmental and in the other case, I wonder why I ever thought the person was my friend to begin with. I question my judgment how I misjudged the person and didn't see through her sooner. But we're human, and we're God's children, so we need to forgive ourselves and not be too hard on ourselves and keeping looking forward, not back.

Kathy said...

Annie, both you and Ashley have said things that connect deeply to what I am dealing with right now. In my case, it was a jarring act of violence which ended the "friendship" and I have no doubt it must end. But I still think, wow, where is that person who was so loving and caring? And now I find that for every kind thing she did, she followed up with two or three twists of a knife. Who knew? I think I built her in the image of the friend I needed, as you said, Annie. I also question my judgement in general, as Ashley mentioned. But I believe (and it's almost hit my heart as well as my head) that I cannot let one or two deceitful people make me question every friendship and every judgement I make. It's still hard, but, yep, we have to look forward.

TroubleX2 said...

Wow! That's intense. I'm a lot like you I think. I don't trust easily nor do I share my inner most thoughts with anyone but my sister. I also tend to be very blunt. Some people like it and some just don't. As is said...go forward and LIVE! I need to go check out your blog some more....