i don't make friends lightly. i make friends easily enough - i am, generally, agreeable, easy-going and witty enough im amusing to keep around. but those who earn a place on the roster of those i trust, those i love, those i cherish, are few and rare and far between.
i remember once i said to my mother that i wished i was more like my sister, who even at five or six, managed to run with a gang of little girls up and down the neighborhood. well, my mother said, in a rare moment of connection, you dont have as many friends - but the intensity is deeper. you'll always be friends with your friends. sheila wont.
my mother's assessment came true. as i've gotten older, ive amassed quite a collection of friends - when you keep them forever, eventually, you rack up a bunch.
so it is with a sad and heavy heart, i contemplate the deliberate severance of such a bond. the Friend in question is not a very long time friend - but she is - or was - someone i considered a close friend. she was close in the sense i shared not just my gifts, but my hopes, my dreams, my fears with her. i let her see a little of the dark side of my soul and when it seemed she didn't flinch, i let her see a little more.
but now i realize i was deceived, not so much by the Friend, but by what i wished the Friend could be. i wanted her to value me as much as i valued her. i wanted her to understand my wounding in the way i tried to understand hers. and because i wanted these things, i made a mistake. i perceived what i wanted to see, and not what really was.
i have been resisting this crossroads, this severing, this winnowing. and yet, i see how necessary it is. there is a silence so deafening, it begs for a Voice to fill it.
im afraid i feel the words building in my brain.
and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be.