Monday, March 30, 2009

last day forty-nine

fifty years ago today, i'm fairly sure my mother woke up and said, "shit, im still pregnant."

today i woke up and thought, it's my last day forty-nine. today i like to look back and take stock - of where i've been and where i seem to be headed. i began this when, forty-five years ago, my father happened to wish me a "happy last day five." i remember i looked down at my hand, and thought, "tomorrow i start a new hand. i better think about this."

i dont remember what i thought about that day, as i contemplated the fingers of my left hand. today i think about my dear friend lorraine, who died a few years ago, and whose presence i sorely miss. i think about my grandmother, who very nearly lived to see this day. i think how much i miss the one, and how much i'm grateful that the agony of what her life became is finally over for my grandmother.

i think about where i was ten years ago - newly laid-off for the first time, still fending off regular legal assaults launched by my ex. (i'm still not quite sure why he continued to be so vicious after our divorce was final. revenge for having the temerity to leave him, i suppose.) my son was still living with his father, an unwitting victim of his father's propaganda. mister ex owed me upwards of forty thousand dollars in child support. i spent a lot of time being afraid. i didn't acknowledge that i heard Voices or knew things before they happened. some weeks i didn't know how i was going to feed my three girls.

in ten years a lot has changed.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

word for the day

the word for the day is Challenge.

the affirmation for the day is: "i accept the challenges before me, knowing nothing is beyond my reach, if i allow myself to grow."*

a few days ago, a writing friend of mine asked me where i got my courage. where do you get the courage to continue in the face of unrelenting rejection and seemingly insurmountable odds? she asked.

ive been thinking about how to answer for a few days now. i've come to the conclusion that it's not courage that keeps me writing. i've been "writing" as an occupation for nearly 20 years, now, but i've been writing all my life. on some level, i can no more stop writing than i can stop breathing, but i don't have to keep "writing." i can quit (and have quit) and find work that pays a lot more and a lot steadier - say, for example, waittressing. so the understanding that there's a difference between the art and the craft of writing, which is what i do here, and the business of writing, which is publishing and that doing the one doesn't mean one needs to do the other, is fundamental to my sense of why i continue to do what i do.

there's a difference, too, to the way i write what i write. here, the words flow, sometimes too quickly, and what i mean isn't always clear. when i know im writing a piece for publication, i slow down, take my time. its WORK what i do for the marketplace and that WORK can sometimes be so laborious, it could drive a saner person over the edge.

it took me 8 hours of writing time and 20 or more drafts before i was satisfied with the first three sentences of chapter one of my second novel. i was facilitating a writing workshop at the time, which is why i was keeping track. and gentle readers of this blog may have noticed that once i decided my current work in progress was a novel worthy of publication, my pace on it slowed considerably. it's still a delight to write, but i'm doing so with a colder, keener eye, shaving and shaping the material into something (hopefully) more commercially viable than just an episode from my own life.

this morning, a spring rain soaks the trees, the last of the snow clings to the mound of rocks that someday will be Beloved's jetty. a bedraggled robin sings staunchly in the budding birches beside my window. the wind blows waves of rain across the ponds. the coffee steams in the butterfly cup that's part of the set my friend josie gave me for my wedding. neverland beckons.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

*the quotation at the beginning of this post is taken from page 92 of Living a Sacred Life: 365 meditations and celebrations by robin heerens lysne (conari press, 1997)

Friday, March 27, 2009

something silly... just for spring

today i saw quite a wonderful thing,
there, on my window, the first bug of spring.
as i opened the door to shoo it away,
it flew off with a wink, and i heard it say:
"oh, red are the roots of the cormorant tree,
and orange the sap that flows all through me,
yellow's the color of all that is fair,
and green is a ribbon to wear in your hair.
blue are the clouds when the moonlight is bright,
and indigo sings like a nightingale's flight;
violet's the color of all that you are,
and clear is the love that shines through the stars..."

annie kelleher, march 08.

and in the spirit of aloha friday, gentle readers, what's your favorite thing about Spring?

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

carthago delenda est...

...or my nod to the memory of mister jones, my first latin teacher who died of a brain tumor at the age of 32.

a few posts ago, a gentle reader asked, in one of her comments, why i always end my posts - or at least one post daily with the tag line "and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be."

i do it for two reasons. first of all, i want the war to end. every war. i don't think war is a good thing, and i don't think it's necessary. i think we live in a world where it appears to be necessary, but i believe that it's only a sad lack of imagination that has heretofore prevented us from eliminating war as a culturally viable behavior.

secondly, i believe that words have power, that butterflies in beijing can cause hurricanes in honduras, and that a single drop of water can wear away a rock, given enough time. cato the elder helped incite the third punic war against rome's only potential rival for supremacy in the mediterranean with his constant refrain: carthago delenda est (carthage must be destroyed.) he found a way to end every speech, every exhortation, even, according to some sources, every social exchange with those three words, and some historians suggest, tongue in cheek perhaps, that the reason the roman senate went to war at all was to shut the old boy up.

i know all this because of my latin teacher, mister jones, who died the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in high school. i liked latin. it appealed to my sense of history and language, and i was the only girl in the class.

but whatever you think of the efficacy of cato's tactics, the fact remains his words echo through history, and carthage WAS destroyed.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

a good day

it was a good day. i spent the morning answering email, commenting on blogs and finishing up chapter five. ive got five solid chapters and fifty pages... now i think it's time to show it to (gulp) Beloved. it's a good thing i love him or i'd've killed him by now for some of the stuff he's said about my work. but he reads every last sentence i ask him to, and he's frequently right. (damn it.)

i walked today at the reservoir with my friend doreen. it was a good day to walk - not too hot or too cold, not too windy, not too still. not too bright, not rainy.

i went shopping for rainbow food - the Angels have been talking to me, about as loudly as Angels get. this new moon in aries is the perfect time for new beginnings, to release old patterns, to recommit to making healthier, more nourshing choices. i had two full rainbows today, and not one thing processed or artificial except ... a tablespoon of salad dressing on my (complete rainbow) salad.

i addressed all the issues in the house that were bothering me, including vacuuming and dog hair all over the couches. the dishes are done, the laundry's caught up, dinners are planned through the weekend. (i got a large turkey breast... roast turkey tomorrow night, hot sandwiches on saturday, pot pie on sunday, carcass made into stock on monday.)

i wrote a few more thank you notes and when Beloved asked why it was takign so long, i said i could only write two or three at a time before my hand cramped up. "mommy," said libby, in her old lady voice, "you don't have to write so much, you know."

the only thing i didn't do which i really wish i did was tune into rose's show on blockhead radio. go to her blog - there's a direct link there... i've already got it on my calendar for next thursday at 1130 AM.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

thousand-thought thursday

there's so many things i want/need to do to over the next few weeks that every time i try to wrap my mind around them all i get dizzy. three days of baby jake, coupled with the seismic disruption of my party, plus two Stories demanding my attention, not to mention the emotional turmoil of my internet doohickey breaking (there, april, i used the word doohickey again just for you!) have left me feeling discombulated and very off-center.

it's not a space i like to be in, but it seems to fit the season - the warmer the sun and the longer the days, the more i feel the energy roiling just beneath the surface.

one thing that i have learned from my friend doreen is to ask myself a question every day. my question tends to be the same from day to day - what's my priority today?

i sat and breathed that question in and out for a few minutes while i watched the sun rise and listened to the birds, and tried out different answers as they came to me. the one that sat the best was to focus my attention today on my outer world, and to spend tomorrow blissfully engaged in more inner work. this morning, however, after a mindful breakfast and a few minutes of yoga, i will work on both my article, and my chapter five.

i know i'm pushing chapter five, but i'm really enjoying the story right now and its the thing i want to do the most. on the other hand, i'm aware that the Angels have been trying to get my attention - i think that's WHY the doohickey burned out. (look, april, i did it again!)

and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

five random thoughts for a tuesday

1. im nearly finished my Eating the Angel Way article for The Door Opener. i just need to find out from the editor whether or not i get additional words for a sidebar, or if i have to count those words as part of my allotment.

2. i've written roughly a third of my thank-you notes.

3. i'm up to the fourth chapter in my current story. i like the way the arthur pieces are weaving themselves in. so far, so good, though i have nothing outside of a rough plan in my head to guide me as to how that particular part of the story ends.

4. i'm so grateful for all my wonderful friends and family and my Beloved who made me feel so Loved on saturday.

5. i'm excited about my new "ask-annie" column over on SitedAndBlogged that's going to start running next wednesday. (at least i think it is. after i found out there was no colin interview i've been somewhat loathe to announce anything until i'm quite sure it's happening.) i'll be sharing what i know about writing - so please check it out... and by all means, ask a question... send them in to and make sure you put ANNIE in the title.

oh, and the winners of yesterday's pay it forward monday? JULS, JULS, BRANDI and MARTHA!!!!!

congrats and come back next monday for another pay-it-forward post!

technical difficulties...

last night the little doohickey that sits on my desk and connects me magically to the internet died. the little green light flickered a few times feebly and then went dark. hopefully, i will have the situation fixed by the end of today and i will announce all the pay it forward winners!!!

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Monday, March 23, 2009

friendship award... and the winners are...

this one was a tough one. i love all my bloggy friends and i wanted to give the award to EVERYONE. so i AM!!! if you are a regular reader of this blog, consider yourself AWARDED:

now, this award has RULES - don't they all - but i don't like RULES. you're supposed to recognize EIGHT people and give them the award and tell them to pass it along. but although i don't want to limit it to eight, i do want to send a special shout-out to some truly wonderful people who i would never have connected with otherwise, except here, in the blogosphere. they've made me laugh and cry and cringe and nod my head. they open their hearts and their homes. and so, with a nod in the direction of all my dear reader friends who i know in the flesh as well as by pixel, here's my list of those especial bloggers i know deserve this award:

reggie girl
veggie mom
nj decorator
mama krit
and the SITS featured blogger of the day ...

dipaolo mamma at chicken nuggets of wisdom!

don't forget... this is a monday pay-it-forward post :)....

award and pay it forward monday

as if saturday's surprise party wasn't enough to take my breath away... i found that lea gave me this lovely award last night! according to The Rules of this award:

These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

so now i have to pick just eight?!

this is going to take some pondering. however, in the interests of pay-it-forward monday, the FIRST person and the LAST person to comment on ANY blog i happen to post today... will win a small token of my esteem. so happy monday! leave me some love! and check back here for the winners of this very special award!

Sunday, March 22, 2009


... was i SURPRISED :).

my Beloved threw me a great surprise party yesterday.

almost everyone i wished could be there, with the few exceptions of my family on the west coast and a few friends who got lost in the shuffle. he completely led me totally off-track and every single one of my nearest and dearest played spectacularly along. (this is why i love surprise parties... everyone gets to PLAY...even people who live far away can be in on the SECRET.)

i am dazzled and delighted and totally amazed at the lengths to which this man proved he felt he had to go to deceive me. i am grateful to all my wonderful friends and family who contributed in so many ways... including the creation of the primrose path i was so deceitfully led along!! and i'm really grateful to colin mcenroe himself, who provided an alibi i was perfectly willing to believe!

please join me and laura on blogtalkradio this afternoon - our topic is DIVINATION, ANYONE? but im sure we might mention the party for a few minutes!

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

morning has broken

"... like the first morning, blackbird has spoken like the first bird..."

the sun rose today to a cacophony of birdsong, and i swore it sounded like they knew it was the first dawn of spring. the puppies sniffed after bunny-scent and would've been delighted to roll in the dew.

this morning i baked gluten-free brownies for our open house today at the Purple Rose. later this afternoon, laura and i are being interviewed by journalist colin mcenroe for what i believe will be a television documentary on the paranormal in new england.

i put the finishing touches on the first two chapters of my story. the Angels are calling me to give Them some attention, so i expect to turn my attention to that manuscript in the next three weeks. but today is a beautiful day and the fairies are calling.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Friday, March 20, 2009

we have a WINNER!

... of grannie annie's superawesome spring giveaway!!!!

and the winner is JULS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of Every Day is a Crazee Day!!!!

and what did she win??

she won a Basket of 13 Essential Things for SPRING!!!!

so congrats to JULS!!!!!!!!!!!!

and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

thankful thursday

"what do you want?" asked my new friend as we crossed the windy street last night in new haven.

"i was thinking something light, maybe a salad and some grilled chicken," i replied. we had an hour to kill before the program started.

"not for dinner," she said. "in your life."

i looked around. the evening light was lilac, the city bustled all around us, winter's last bite was in the breeze. i was wearing pretty clothes, i had money in my purse for dinner. there were people who loved me waiting for me to come home. i had spent the afternoon walking baby jake up and down the drive, scouting out signs of spring. i heard from my agent - my 12th novel is with an editor i've worked with before, she's in pursuit of the spanish money. i couldn't think of anything, outside a book contract - i wanted. not anything i don't have already.

"i'll take 25 more years of what i have right now," i said. i think of these as "our town" moments, when i stop and take a look around and let myself just Be.

"there's nothing you want?" she asked.

"not a blessed thing," i answered.

for all that i've been blessed with, i am most acutely and profoundly Grateful.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

progress on projects

i thought it might be fun (in honor of word-full/wordless wednesday as many other bloggers celebrate) to post some updates on some of the projects i've been talking about in other posts.

here's a picture of the sponging i did on the walls in my bathroom. the tile is black, and it's tiny and i wanted to pull the colors up from the floor. what do you all think?

this is the countertop i painted to match the floor, the new faucet we picked up at home depot on sunday, and the fabric im using to make the shower curtains, the window ruffle and the sink skirt. as you might be able to see, the sink itself is black, too.

these are the paint colors im using on the wall, as well as the fabrics im using to make a new bedskirt and headboard, window toppers and pillow shams. if there's enough left over, i will recover my chair in either the green or the red stripe.

the lightest color is going on the walls and woodwork and ceiling. the walls are covered in paneling that's been painted. im going to use the next lightest color to sponge stripes on the walls, using the paneling lines as my guides. im going to use the darker colors to paint and distress some of the furniture. the photo below all the samples is my rug. and the background of the top photo is my quilt.

and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

announcing the winners...

... of last week's PAY IT FORWARD monday... the first three commentators on my monday post will receive a small token of my gratitude for being loyal commentators.

last week's winners are:



and, last but not ever least...


this current week's winners are:



and, last but not least AT ALL ,

Dina... AGAIN!!!!

thank you to all my gentle readers...i wish you all a very green st patrick's day in every meaning and shade....slainte!

good things come to those who wait

about a month ago, i participated in Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap. (if you don't know mamarazzi, go check her out.) the idea was that you signed up and were randomly matched with someone you don't know. then you send the person a package of your favorite things, and they send you some of theirs. all the packages get mailed on the same day, and all the packages are supposed to show up at roughly the same time.

unless of course, you have a psycho mailman who refuses to come down your driveway to bring you packages too large to fit into your mailbox. (oh, yeah, when mamarazzi says favorite things, she means favorite things!)

saturday, he finally left me a slip that told me i had a package waiting. yesterday, i finally claimed it. and WOW... is all i can say.

my swap partner, jeri, of i'm being held hostage, sent me THE MOST amazing box!!! i was almost in tears!!!!

she sent me ... yummy stuff to eat... including chocolates from cadbury and lindt, and carr's water biscuits - from england!!! now, if you have never had european chocolate, you don't know what you're missing... i don't know why cadbury's is better over there, but IT IS!!!

she also sent me some yummy stuff to keep me looking young and beautiful - chocolate mask from muddy H20, coconut body and shower creams, handmade lavendar soap and my own personal favorite - bath salts!!!

but that wasn't all.

she also sent me flower fairies stickers (if you don't know the flower fairies by cecily mary barker, go google them!), a beautiful print of a windmill, a red telephone kiosk notebook and pen (from london!!) and the piece de resistance...

a british edition of TWILIGHT!~!!!!! be still my heart!!!!! you should've heard my girls moaning and groaning over THAT one!!!!

so THANK YOU to jeri and THANK YOU to mamarazzi... millions of hugs and much happiness to you BOTH!!!!

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Monday, March 16, 2009

i found this on facebook

It's harder than it looks! Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1.What is your name? annie

2. A four letter word? acid

3. A boys name? andrew

4. A girls name? arabella

5. An occupation? auto mechanic

6. A character? anya karenina

7. Something you wear? ankle bracelet

8. A food? asparagus

9. Something in your bathroom? aspirin

10. A place? aberdeen, scotland

11. A reason for been late? a@$hole cop gave me a ticket.

12. Something you'd shout? arrgh, matey!

13. A movie title? armageddon

14. Something you'd drink? alabama slammer

15. A musical group? allman brothers

16. An animal? anteater

17. A street name? avenue of the americas, new york, ny

18. A type of car? aston-martin

19. A song title? ave maria


that's the word for the day, according to my Living a Sacred Life (a collection of 365 meditations & celebrations) by Robin Heeren Lysne. part of the meditation of the day is to affirm and celebrate one's whole being, even those parts that we don't always want to acknowledge, or have lost along the way.

today is the 29th anniversary of my first marriage. today, 29 years ago, i chose a path that forever set the trajectory of my life. do i regret it? you bet i do. it's the second worst decision i ever made, right after my agreeing to go out with mister ex in the first place. and yes, i have four wonderful children and yes, i know they wouldn't be exactly the same if he weren't their father, but i think they'd be exactly as wonderful if i'd had them with somebody else. if only i could rethink that walk down the aisle.

but i can't.

i could, i suppose, spend a lot of time looking back and beating up the naive, silly young girl i used to be. i know i'm still silly but im no longer so young, nor so naive. mister ex made sure of that. i'm a very different person now from who i was 29 years ago, and mostly thanks to mister ex and his mother, the Demon Hag from Hell, which was my pet name for her. (i expect to hear any day now she's made the great divide, but i'm thinking her delayed crossing isn't due to any argument between God and the Devil as it was in my grandmother's case. i just think Hell doesn't have a suite hot enough yet.) the other instrument of my Great Awakening was the american legal system, but that's a blog for another day.

i look back now, and i see myself poised in my white dress, not so much a Bride but a Baby, about to experience an Initiation of fire. i was about to learn that there are people for whom love is a concept more allied to manipulation and control than to compassion and empathy. i was about to learn that there really are people who seek to destroy the souls of others.

it's been fourteen years since i filed for divorce. it was my writing that saved me - my writing and all the wonderful women it brought into my life, who held up mirrors and showed me what was really happening in my life. it took me fourteen years to see it.

by the grace of the Divine and my family, who, no matter how much i may tweak them in my blog here, rose to the Occasion with grace and financial backing, i got away, and my girls got away and eventually, even my son got away. we all have our scars, but we're all a lot more than okay...except mister ex, who's finally dissolved into his own foul little swamp of a life.

at least today, as i look back at that girl in her long white dress, i realize that the Lesson i had to learn was the Lesson i had to learn...whatever path she chose would've led me into that same dark place. she was making the best choice she thought she could, under the circumstances. and, really, she did okay - she carried within herself the seeds of who i have grown into.

today i remind myself, as ms lysne suggests, that "i am complete and whole in myself...i call those parts that are not feeling their wholeness to me and join with them in love."*

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

*Lysne, Robin Heeren, Living a Sacred Life: 365 Meditations & Celebrations, Conari Press, 1997, pg 84.

Friday, March 13, 2009

13 thoughts on the 13th

1. i've been doing a lot of catching up on current arthurian thought, and one view regarding the historical facts of arthur is that he's well-documented, under another name, which has some really interesting ramifications for my current book.

2. im grateful for all my readers, both old and new (hi, beth!)

3. im grateful for the wonderful partnership my sister-in-spirit laura and i are creating.

4. im delighted the irs has coughed up the tax return in record speed.

5. i hope my dear friend susan is able to get a handle on her worry and focus on what she CAN control, even for just five minutes at a time.

6. i'm sending reiki to my friends yolanda and mary who're recuperating from an operation or laid up in the hospital this weekend.

7. i'm grateful Beloved is holding up as well as he is.

8. i hope my favorite things swap gets here soon - it's coming from england and im trying to be patient!!!

9. i hope the winner likes my 13 Essential Things for Spring SuperAwesome Giveaway - i've got just about everything gathered.

10. im eternally grateful for imetrex.

11. i'm going to have to rework my pay-it-forward monday idea since one of the first three commenters already received a copy of silver's lure.

12. i'm thinking about finishing the bathroom.

13. i'm so excited it's going to be warm this weekend!

happy friday the 13th... and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

balance in motion

in the last three days, i've edited three chapters. its been a slow, sentence-by-sentence struggle at some points. as one gentle reader noted, indeed, it IS getting to the meat of the story - through a character who likes to keep secrets. or maybe, to be fair, it's not she LIKES keeping secrets so much as she feels she HAS to keep them.

i've also managed to keep up reasonably well with the laundry, plan the week's radio show, and make some headway with my decorating projects. i found some BEAUTIFUL fabrics ON SALE at the hoity toity fabric shop in the next town over. i can't WAIT to get this all done. i have a list for the rest of the bathroom and the bedroom to take to home depot with Beloved on Sunday for a little early st patrick's day parting with the green.

i've resisted the Urge to Blog - mostly by commenting here and there when the Urge strikes me. i've also planned by SuperAwesome Spring Giveaway - in the spirit, if not the actual participation in - the SITS' girls' Spring Fling.

so while the weather seesaws and the light lengthens, and old man winter makes one last stand ... what are you all up to, gentle readers?

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


a few days ago i decided i needed to shift my priorities and realign my energy. the sudden shifts in pressure and temperature, the burgeoning signs of spring, my own internal restlessness, all seem to signal that something needs to change. the season is changing, and so, it seems should i. and as off-balance and as out of kilter as this makes me feel, i remind myself that the earth itself has to split for the new growth to come through.

to that end, i've decided to shift my Writing Time from later in the morning to first thing. i've reached a point in my novel where i have to Pay Attention, where the turn of a phrase equates to a flick of a paint brush. in order to add the depth and the layers, i have to be force myself to go slowly, to really See. it requires a plunge into the deeper layers of the characters, a deliberate differentiation between the characters and me.

i've done 14 pages so far and i realize that doesn't sound like much. but so far i'm pleased. if i go any faster, i miss the places to apply the shadows and the shadings, the twinging and the tweaking. it's the sort of work i can only do when i am at my absolute freshest.

and so i've changed my routine. i'm not blogging first thing, or answering my email or commenting or responding. i said i'd play in the march madness and sits is having a spring fling and i've hardly even visited the blogs i ususally keep up with. i've been a Very Bad Blogger. but i know i've been doing some really good writing.

you see, my Muse is a jealous mistress and once She gets Her hooks deep into me, She's hard to shake off. indulge my absence, my silence, gentle readers, i know i'll regain an equilibrium in another week or two...

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Monday, March 9, 2009

AWARDS & Pay-It-Forward Monday

i am long overdue on catching up and acknowledging all the lovely awards people have bestowed on me in the last few weeks. i hope everyone realizes that my dilatory response was only because of my aching head!

martha at a sense of humor is essential, and kim, the wicked step-mom both were sweet to give me this lovely award.

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Now, I'm sure some of the nominees will be repeats. And I'm adding my own rule. Just know that I really appreciate, enjoy your blog if you are nominated and will in no way be upset if you do not participate in paying it forward. Sometimes all of these awards can be overwhelming though sweet and affirming at the same time. So, that said in particular order I nominate:

1 - laura @ purplerosemusings
2 - reggie girl
3 - laura @ chickennuggets
4 - mama krit
5 - april
6 - lynnette
7 - box office girl
8 - selchie
9 - shades of scorpio
10 - dina

and as for pay-it-forward monday - the first three people to leave a comment on my NEXT post will receive a signed copy of my last book... silver's lure. so check out some of these great blogs and leave them so love, then come back and read what i'll post later, and leave some for me!

and furthermore, the war WILL end. blessed be!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

the song of the sacred prostitute

i dont usually write poetry ...but every once in a very great while, something seems to come over me. this morning was one of those times. here's what came out:

the song of the sacred prostitute

When the sunlight comes spilling like gold coins
In the last red hours of day,
I rise from my low couch and hasten
Where road and desire meet.

Down terraces lush with green-life,
Hot stones beneath my feet,
Leading me to the broad river
Where men and desire meet.

On the first slim edge of the evening,
On the tide of the night-jasmine’s scent,
I drape my Self over the stairway
Where dusk and desire meet.

I feel the weight of the eyes fall,
A hundred, a thousand, all bright
As the stars now studding the purple sky
Where night and desire meet.

Some turn away with a shudder,
Some turn away with a sigh
But few below don’t feel a yearning
Where flesh and desire meet.

There’s always the ones who come closer,
Lured by the curve of my thigh,
A glimpse of dark breast through a white veil,
The promise of all that might lie

Between the curves of my thighs, they come,
Up the broad steps from the street,
Red stones still warm from the heat
Where lust and desire meet.

To me, they come to surrender,
To offer themselves to Her call,
To give of themselves to the Goddess,
Where worship and desire meet.

It’s my choice with whom I will worship,
It’s my choice who I shall lead
Back through the halls to my low couch
Where Goddess and desire meet.

Through the tide of the throng I see him,
The One the God sent to me.
Our eyes meet, I know him…
And he knows me.

I hold out my hand, he takes me
Under a fat moon’s gleam
Back through halls of the Temple
Where Divine and desire meet.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

treading the border

the snow is steaming on the mum fields next door, a thick blanket of mist rising into the damp bright air. the birds are bickering and cheeping in the birches besides my desk. the waterfall connecting the upper and lower ponds gurgles over the rocks.

when i was little my favorite hour of the week was first thing saturday morning. early on a saturday, the long hours lie ahead, golden with potential, ripe with opportunity.

last night, i drew what i have come to think of as my Dream Card - a card from any of my tarot or oracle decks that draws my attention. it is the last image i hold in my mind before i fall asleep, it's an Invitation to Spirit to Visit me in my dreams. last night, i drew the ten of cups - the "quest for knowledge" card in the caitlin matthew's celtic wisdom tarot. it depicts a man on his knees before an enormous cup, into which otherworldly spirits pour Divine Energy. it whispered to me last night, and speaks to me even more loudly now.

my daily three cards are the knight of pentacles, the high priestess, and the five of cups. the five of cups is the most interesting card for me of all these three, the one with the most important part of the message. on it's most superficial level, i think of it as the "crying over spilled milk" card - because it usually depicts a hooded figure bowed over three empty cups while two full ones sit beside her or him.

but in this deck - the druid-craft tarot, a deck Beloved gave me for christmas this year and one i keep only for myself - the figure is depicted beside a river - with one foot hovering just above the water, and the other planted firmly on the earth. from out of the water, arcs a salmon - always a potent symbol in celtic myth. what this card says to me is that the way to bridge the gap between the OtherWorld and this one is to keep my heart open, and a few extra cups handy.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Friday, March 6, 2009

checking in, catching up

what a week. the migraines totally blindsided me - sometimes i feel them coming and sometimes i just don't. this time it was three days of feeling like it might be a good idea if my head exploded.

the first thing to go is my ability to write. the second thing is my appetite. the third is my ability to carry on any kind of human interaction. but i still managed to get stuff done - low-level sorts of stuff that let my world chug along so i don't have to spend all my time shoveling out of a disaster zone.

i've even managed to make headway (pun intended) with my bathroom project.

the walls are all sponged, and i'm really happy with the way it came out. im even more happy since Beloved said he liked it. i was hoping that a judicious use of navy blue might show him that dark colors aren't Bad Colors... in small doses, they add depth. the shower curtain is finished and hung. the countertop is painted and sealed. the woodwork is painted. the only things i have left to do are to make the window ruffle and the sink skirt. i'm hoping Beloved will help me hang the curtain rod this weekend, and come with me to HD to pick out a new faucet for the sink.

my head subsided enough to allow me to be walked twice, and to spend time in the company of dear friends two nights this week. dinner tonight will be a recipe i found in Real Simple - i've decided that if i ever get to Heaven, my slice of it's going to look a lot like the pictures in Real Simple magazine - involving shrimp, lemon and couscous, and i'm just tickled with myself i happen to have all those things on hand. little things like that make me happy.

i got a really cool toy box from my sweet bloggy friend lynette over at TheySayImNuts (though i can't imagine why) - that delighted Baby Jake when i opened it in front of him. he dropped by to show me and the puppies his new hair cut. so he is even MORE adorably cute than he was in that photo!!

i'm going to be writing an article for the local New Age journal on eating the angel way, and i'm really excited about it. i know the Angels want me to get the information out. i know a few gentle readers have tried this approach... if you have any comments, feedback, questions, or an experience you'd like to share, please email me at i understand there's an issue with the blogger link i can't figure out how to fix!

i wish all my gentle readers a restful, nourishing and nurturing weekend. happy daylight savings' time! (personally i think it's silly but it's an official sign of spring.)

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

aloha friday foto fun

i think it's the drugs - im still feeling less than motivated to write much.

so in the interest of both friday foto fun, and aloha friday - which is a cute meme instituted by My Island Life (i still cant figure out how to make the picture work) - here's my photograph and my question (as you can see it's rhetorical so it's not going to require a whole lot of work from my gentle readers either)...

isn't baby jake just the cutest baby? :)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

secrets from my former life

this is a march-madness-meme, brought to you by the people from sited & blogged. i think the memes are fun, especially when im still a bit woozy from all the migraine medicine.

so here's my secret - i used to be a republican!!!

yes!!! ME!!!

a card-carrying, flag-waving, check-writing,reagan-supporting republican. i was raised by a woman who cried when barry goldwater lost the election in 1964 and am from a family where you didn't come home expecting to eat dinner on election day if you confessed to voting any other way.

the fact that an ardent supporter of the GOP like me - a legacy supporter, if you will, because i grew up listening to my great-grandfather curse the unions and FDR - walked away in disgust should give people still willing to include themselves in the company of Lush Limpball and Caribou Barbie pause to consider.

so what happened? well, a lot happened, but mostly i think it began when i decided i was no longer going to be afraid. of anything. the list started with my soon-to-be- ex husband. but it ended with things like "apocalypse" and "world-wide depression."

the more i grew and studied and allowed myself to become more of who i really am, the less afraid i grew. of everything. including death. at the point i could feel myself beginning to make friends with the Grim Reaper, i started hearing in a new way. i started Listening to what was REALLY being said, by people like Lush Limpball. (i even used to agree with him... may goddess have mercy on my soul.)

and what people like Lush and Caribou Barbie and mccain and cheney (who even came out and said it in a hissy fit tinged with very sour grapes) is to Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. of EVERYTHING.

and that just doesn't cut it for me. i refuse to make decisions or to persuade my leaders to make decisions on a basis of Fear. who knows what's going to happen? who can control it, really? we could all die tomorrow. and all we're supposed to be afraid of could never come to pass. and then what? i've wasted a life time worrying? i don't know about anyone else reading this, but my time in this current incarnation is too valuable. i don't like people who try to threaten me into that dark place again. i spent too much there during my first marriage.

some people may think i live in a fantasy world. i think people who spend their time hectoring others to live in a state of constant anxiety are the ones who're indulging in fantasies, and not nice ones at that.

i don't like people who tell me the Boogeyman might get me. the Boogeyman can't take my heart, my mind, my soul. those things are forever free, and no one has to die so that i can have them, or to preserve my right to them. so what's the worst the Boogeyman can do? kill me? kill my kids?

this is where i find it so interesting that so many so-called conservatives consider themselves Believers in Eternal Life. if you REALLY believe in an afterlife the way i believe in one, then the idea of dying or your children dying, as awful as that idea may be, doesn't scare you quite the way it does if you don't. or it shouldn't - if Jesus really is as close a friend of yours as He is of mine.

thus, i find the GOP sadly riddled with the worst kind of hypocrisy, hijacked by those who would use fear to control me. the party of Limpball and Caribou Barbie is not the party of lincoln and eisenhower.

so that's ONE of my deep dark little secrets. dare to share one of yours, Gentle Readers? ;)
and furthermore, the war WILL end. blessed be.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

finally feeling better

thank you so much to everyone who stopped in today to check up on me! the comments you left made me feel loved :). my head is much better now that the atmosphere seems to have stabilized.

i seem to be able to eliminate every trigger except the weather, and late winter into spring and fall into winter are my worst times of year. the atmosphere is volatile, the winds tend to be strong, the pressure changes abrupt and acute. i've learned to love the great god Imetrex.

my computer also picked up a nasty virus. please be careful - this was a virus i picked up on a website, not through an email. my whole system had to be reloaded.

i'm way, way behind on my commenting and responding, so please forgive me, gentle readers... i'll start catching up in earnest tomorrow!

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

oh my aching head

thank you to everyone who left me such lovely comments today, especially for jamie's birthday... another migraine hit me this afternoon... i'll be back as soon as the throbbing goes away!!!!

and while you're here...

the purple rose writer's circle - sat march 28 - we are a supportive circle of kindred spirits. this month's topic is writing from your bones - a creative visualization and writing exercise to get in touch with what you truly "know." if you're in the area, and writing is your passion, email me at for more information.

my superawesome SPRING giveaway - 13 essential things for spring - includes some superawesome spring essentials - stuff refresh your spirit, revive your soul, nurture your heart and dirty your hands!

what have i already decided to add? gardening glove, suncreen, and hand cream of course, stuff to get your feet sandal-ready and something to curl up with when the spring spruce-ups are done!

you earn entries by leaving me comments, posting about my giveaway on your site, picking up my button and the one to your left, becoming a follower and sending others over.

and please don't forget to notice the button for our internet radio show on blogtalkradio: Discovering Nature's Spirit. hope you'll give us a listen this coming sunday, march 8, when laura and i will discuss Angels.

happy birthday, jamie jim

monday's child is fair of face, tuesday's child is full of grace, wednesday's child is full of woe, thursday's child has far to go. friday's child is loving and giving, saturday's child works hard for a living. but the child that's born on the Sabbath day is blithe and winsome, and bonny and gay.

my son charged into the world a few minutes before 8 on a sunday evening. i was exactly two weeks past my due date, and more than happy to get the pregnancy over. he, having made up his mind to finally show up, took a mere four hours to barrel his way into the world, a tiny torpedo that got stuck right at the eyes.

i remember screaming "get it out, get it out," and the midwives yelling back, "you have to push," and me screaming louder, "i can't, it fucking hurts too much."

jamie arrived screaming, too.

our relationship has been periodically punctuated with a few screams since.

but jamie, if he is one of my more willful children, is also at many times one of my sweetest. he had a twinkle in his eye and a lilt in his laugh that was hard to resist. even our pediatrician, who was not the sort of man given to any kind of hyperbole once remarked, "he is a most attractive child, isn't he?"

and jamie was. he was lucky, really... being as cute as he was helped keep him alive.

one morning, when jamie was not quite three, shortly after we had moved jamie into his big boy bed and meg, then three or four months, into what had been jamie's old crib, i went into the bedroom they were sharing to discover jamie's bed empty.

i glanced into the crib - meg was sound asleep.

i spun on my heel, dashed into my oldest daughter's room to see if jamie had climbed in with her. no jamie. heart pounding, i checked the kitchen, the basement, the front yard, the backyard. no jamie. i was just about to call my husband at work, when i heard meg stirring.

i dashed upstairs, trying to imagine where in the world he could've gone, how he could've gotten out - both doors were locked - when i got to the crib. there, cuddled up together, were meg and jamie. she was cooing in his arms, he was smiling down at her beatifically, his little blond cherub's face beaming. "she know me special, mommy," he said, "she know me special."

indeed, we all do. happy birthday, jamie-jim, from the mommy whose hair you turned white.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Monday, March 2, 2009

oh happy day - my goals for the week

i woke up this morning to eight inches of soft powder. more is falling quickly - the world outside my window is a range of grays from almost white to nearly black, with a touch of pale green on the birch trees. the puppies are already back to sleeping soundly, bellies full of warm breakfast. buddy's ears cover his eyes, and he's twitching as i write this. i bet he's chasing bunnies in his dreams.

i'm glad for the week's slower start. i noticed this is my 650th post.

all this week, i'm going to be partipating in the march madness memes sponsored by Sited And Blogged and monday is Goals For the Week.

i love goals. our writers' circle at the purple rose this past saturday discussed goals and intentions for the upcoming month. this week i only have two ... to create a loving sancutary of warmth and comfort for all my loved ones, and to write.

so to those ends, some of my goals for this week include cutting out my new shower curtain, sink skirt and window ruffle from the curtains i got on clearance at tarzhay. the shower curtain will be the easiest to make, the sink skirt the most difficult because i think i should probably line it to give it more body. i think i'll start with the easiest project first. today i'm planning to take all the curtains out of their packages, iron them, and measure and cut out the shower curtain. i finished painting the woodwork, the walls and the counter this weekend and i'm really happy with how it's turning out. Beloved has approved a new faucet and new curtain rod so i hope to get back to tar-zhay sometime later this week. i'll post photos when im done :).

i need to get up to the attic today - not just for the lining material that's up there, but also for a few copies of my books i need to send out.

i've begun to mentally plan my next space for spring clearing and cleaning. this one involves sorting through all my clothes for another round of tossing and sorting now that we've reached the end of another season.

today i focus on zone two, according to the flylady system. that's my kitchen, for those of you who don't know and love flylady yet. she has wisdom for everyone. i love flylady. on the laundry schedule is towels, rugs and sheets. the whole house could use a good vaccuming and today i have libby (my born-organized, germophobic, slightly obsessive-compulsive neatfreak) home to help. hooray!

dinner will most likely involve turkey tenderloins. i made the mistake of watching peta's video on mcdonald's chicken slaughtering practices and i may never be able to eat meat again once i get through all the stuff in my freezer. i know im never eating another nugget.

this evening im planning to go to my how-to-write-a-book-in-90-days seminar. this afternoon, since im fairly sure baby jake's not coming, i'm planning to devote to the first four chapters of my WIP. i've been thinking about how to weave the thread my friend suggested into it, and i have some ideas how to do it.

i think i'm finally coming to the place where i've realized that in as much as i wish there were some linear prescription for how to do this work, there is an element of chaos that simply has to be accomodated and accepted as part of the process. at times i find this endless going forward three steps then going backwards what feels like four frustrating.

this tends to have a paralyzing effect - if i don't feel like i'm "getting anywhere" in the story, i start to feel blocked and bored. the only antidote i have found to this in practical terms is to simply go back to the beginning and do the work. in five minute increments if that's all i can stand, but five minutes is more than no minutes.

the antidote in creative terms is to go toward the source of the character's pain, to allow myself to wallow in a bubbling cauldron of real and imaginary wounds. a calm snowy morning like this one affords the perfect opportunity.

sometimes when im thinking about all i'd like to accomplish, whether in a day or a week or an hour, it helps to believe i have a choice. but then i hear the whispers of the characters in my head, and i know i really don't.

so that's what i intend to do today, in furtherance of my weekly goals... how about you, gentle reader? what're your goals for this coming week? and how do you intend to accomplish them?

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

a big thank-you!!!!!

to everyone who listened, phoned in and figured out how to find the chat room... thanks!!! laura and i had a great time...i know i sure did!! thanks so much for listening... if you missed this evening's show, please check it out in the archive at your convenience!

what about my weekend?

it's not over but it's shaping up reasonably well.

we had a bit of a unpleasantness yesterday afternoon because Beloved came home in a snit. he'd gone from ecstatic about the amount of our tax return, to a foul nasty temper because a policeman had had the effrontery to stop him from going 37 in a 25 mile zone. but to Beloved's point, he was rounding a corner out of a 45 mile zone, and the cop snagged him right on the corner. as Beloved said, obviously he was slowing down.

the fledgling purple rose writers' circle went really well. we're small and open to new members, but already i can see the group bonding. i like that we are a diverse group of like-minded and spirited women. i know the right people will join us when they're ready.

the weather is predicted to be bad today. i'm planning to go to the store. we really do need milk and cream. somethnig for supper wouldn't be a bad idea either. i'm looking forward to a snow day tomorrow.

so far i've spent this morning in a bit of quiet meditation. i rearranged the johnny depp story so you can scroll down and read it in order. i've caught up on comments and emails. i've sized up my bathroom project and am proud to say i was able to cross quite a few items off my list. i'm looking forward to this evening's radio show with laura. (i hope some of you will join us!)

so that's my weekend so far... how about yours? :)

its march may the madness begin

over at Sited And Blogged, they're sponsoring an amazing carnival of events and giveaways well worth checking out, as well as a weekly round of memes. this is the weekend meme, and since i am also participating in comment response month, that means i am making a committment to respond to as many of my comments daily as i can. now, since i'm encouraging everyone to comment because that means an entry in my superawesome spring giveaway (please scroll down), i hope to have a LOT of comments to respond to!

so leave me some love and don't forget to click on the choice that lets you see when i respond to you! :)

in like a lion

the old saying about march's weather has always held a special meaning in our family. my father's birthday is the first of march... mine is the 31st. i remember how predictably my father would chase me and my brother through the house on his birthday roaring "in like a lion!" - no matter what the weather.

when we were little, every weekend at the beach, my father dug huge holes in the sand complete with places to sit and a level surface on which to eat our lunch. my father wasn't a big man, but he was a strong man. i remember clinging to him in the deep surf, buffeted by waves, or floating like a starfish, arms and legs stretched out to the sun, my head supported on his shoulder, when the water was calm.

if my mother encouraged me to write my stories down - because she was the one who loved all things literary - it was my father who taught me to tell them. every saturday, when my mother headed off to the hairdresser's, my father cooked us pancakes and told us stories he made up. the old lion may be slowing down, but his stories still hold the rapt attention of another generation of little girls.

so happy birthday, daddy - i may have found Prince Charming, but you'll always be king of my heart.

and furthermore, the war WILL end. blessed be.