tiger, tiger

a new nadir was reached yesterday in television "journalism" when stations around the country thought it necessary to interrupt scheduled shows to broadcast tiger woods' apology.

it was replayed ad nauseum (and i do mean ad nauseum) throughout the day and evening - so much so i was ready to vomit by the end of my admittedly delicious dinner at west hartford's grant's.

there he was, poor ole tiger, looking about as tigerish as a kitten, standing in front of rows of solemn-faced men and women, hands folded, knees pressed tight. i wondered why they weren't holding prayer books, because to me they looked just the way i imagine the puritans who censured hester prynne or the ones who condemned 19 men and women at salem.

why not just slap a big red A on tiger's chest?

golf doesn't even count as a sport in my opinion, though there's lots of money in it, and let's face it, THAT's why tiger was standing there, all mush-mouthed and sad. i don't believe it's because he wants his wife back.

i think its because he wants his endorsements back.

i've never thought too much of golf - even though my daddy plays it. i've never thought too much of anyone who wants to waste all his or her time "playing" it "professionally," but then large sums of money don't impress me, and being good at swinging a club at a little ball so you can put it into a little hole strikes me as a ridiculous waste of time.

so i never thought too much of tiger woods at his best, and watching him blubber his apology with those watery eyes and then fall into his mamma's arms, pretty much finished off any respect i might have had for him.

the problem tiger woods has is not that he cheated on his wife. the problem is he got married in the first place. whether he should or shouldn't have sex with all those women isn't anyone's business but tiger's and the women who said yes. to my way of thinking its that he made this promise he clearly had no ability to keep.

people who are really in love don't cheat on each other, in my experience, because the idea of anyone else is not only unnecessary but verges on anathema. one reason i know Beloved is beloved is because the very idea of anyone else - other than johnny depp and maureen dowd - touching me intimately skeeves me out.

clearly, tiger's feelings for his wife weren't quite that deep, and so he was able to cheat. but the only reason in my opinion he was wrong was because he made a promise, and if he hadn't made the promise in the first place, it wouldn't be an issue. it wouldn't even be a record, especially compared to the legends in the NBA.

a few weeks ago, libby had to write an editorial for an english project. the book the class had been reading was The Scarlet Letter and the topic was adultery. she came to me for my thoughts. this is what we came up with:

Outlaw adultery? Let’s eliminate marriage.
An Editorial by Libby Bush

Recent events have prompted many people to suggest that a law should be passed outlawing adultery. Adultery is bad for marriage, they say, and anything that’s bad for marriage must be bad for families. Anything that’s bad for families must be bad for society in general, therefore, it seems only sensible and logical, say these folks, that there should be a law prohibiting it.

However, although we agree that adultery is in fact bad for marriage, we disagree that there should be a law against it. We believe that since adultery can only occur when one or both parties to the act are married to other people, we think it’s clear that the true cause of adultery is marriage. Thus, if we eliminate marriage, there can be no more adultery.

Clearly, the decision with whom to have sex is a very personal decision that each individual must make for him or herself. Surely the law has other more pressing issues to legislate and enforce than to remain the overseer of everyone’s sex life. It’s simply not practical. For example, even if there were a law passed against adultery, who would truly be able to see that it was followed? Are police going to go from house to house, door to door, room to room, making sure people are sleeping with whom they’re supposed to be sleeping with? Would we even want to live in a place where this was a possibility?

Thus, we believe that the way to eliminate adultery is to eliminate marriage. This would not only eliminate adultery, this would also save millions of politicians, business people, and clergypersons not only potential embarrassment and career-ending scandals, but also save the lives of millions of trees, who would not have to be sacrificed to be turned into tabloids or court documents.

needless to say, if i'd been tiger woods, the only thing i'd have announced yesterday was that i was ending the "marriage" and returning to golf.

and furthermore the war will end. blessed be.