september's blue skies

it wasn't raining when i walked the puppies, but the sky was low and thick, and i heard the low-flying plane before i saw it. it zoomed over head, graceful and proud, banking into its descent, and as i watched it dip and turn, i remembered what day it is.

what i remember about that day was how absolutely beautiful it was. the skies were a clear and cloudless crystalline, the air balmy with summer sun. before i moved to connecticut, Beloved extolled the virtues of connecticut's skies. you've never seen such blue, he enthused, and no, i never will again. i remember thinking it was too nice to be inside as i drove to work that morning. i wonder how many people had that very same thought.

and then it changed, not in an instant, but in a series of events, a chain of phone calls and conversations that began just before nine o'clock... five minutes of nine, as i remember, because 8:55 is the time i was born... in the evening, thank goddess.

first came Beloved's. his voice had just a hint of excitement. did you hear about the plane, annie? he asked. he was on his way to work.

ive been here since seven, i answered. i was busy. i had deadlines, projects, stuff to do. i didn't care about planes, unless i had to be on one.

a plane flew into a building in new york, he said. im not sure what kind it is, i think its one of those little planes.

some idiot flying where he shouldn't, i said, and we hung up because the next call was from my daughter, at uconn, my oldest. in a voice i hadn't heard since she was very small, she said: mommy, i just watched a plane fly into a building. a big plane. into a big building.

she had seen the first footage of the second hit.

from there the word had begun to spread, across the cubicles, out of the offices. we gathered in the cafeteria around the big television set and watched what couldn't have happened happening before our eyes.

at ten thirty came the order to go home. i remember how when we left the building, i looked up, into those clear blue skies and wondered how it was they'd turned that subtle shade of gray.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

never fear, martha dear

when i said i succumbed yesterday, i meant to another facebook quiz - not the mediocre book on which it's based. im not saying im not a fan of mediocre fiction - after all, i've written a lot of it myself, and continue to do so - but the Twilight phenomena has mostly left me cold. when libby read me the first book -it was the only way i'd consent to try to get through the whole thing - i couldn't stand bella. i liked her so much less in the second book i had to make libby stop reading it.

the trouble with bella is that she whines. incessantly, but mostly, as far as i can tell, because edward refuses to make her a vampire.

not that i blamed her.

OF COURSE she wants to be a vampire. who wouldn't want to a vampire in this story, after all... they're all gorgeous and rich and they live forever. oh, yeah, sure there's that silly part about losing a soul - but if you can be rich and beautiful and young forever, why does it matter? the vampires in these books don't suffer from lack of anything as far as i could tell.

consequently, when that idiot edward kept telling bella he wouldn't make her a vampire, i wanted to hit him. i didn't find the vampires in twilight attractive OR credible. i found them insufferable in a way that made me want to go for THEIR throats. (sure, doctor cullen's a vampire who can be around blood - oceans of it, for hours on end - not only without going berserk but also performing brilliant medical feats that make everyone around him love him even more. that makes tons of sense when we're also being told how difficult it is for vampires to be around humans even when they aren't gushing fountains of blood.)

of course, what's really going on is that the author is a mormon, and the book reflects her patriarchal world view where Wise Men know better than Silly Girls what's best for them. that my daughters and my sister (my phi beta kappa sister!)are so enthralled boggles my mind and makes me wonder if maybe i really did wind up with the wrong kids in the wrong family.

so no, it doesn't really make me want to swoon, martha dear. it makes me want to puke.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

09-09-09

according to some, 999 is a number of angelic vibration, a number signifying completion, endings, and the final turning of the old into the new. fittingly, i spent today mucking my way through the mounds of books and papers and magazines that have accumulated over the last month. i sorted, put stuff away, paid some bills and wrote some checks. im going to make a few people very happy in the next few days.

the paper piles weren't anywhere near as bad as i was afraid they would be - certainly no where near as bad as they looked. i even managed to get nearly a third of the house vacuumed. it feels good to get rid of old stuff. tomorrow i'll finish the vacuuming and the mopping and the dusting - with all the surfaces clean, it won't take me long.

i've scheduled four reiki sessions over the next five days. i sent dear patient ruth a blurb for the writing workshop im putting together for the homeschoolers. i even managed to catch up on some correspondence to friends. tonight - if any Gentle Readers are in the neighborhood - im speaking at the Little Public Library in columbia, ct.

i've succumbed

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and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

too-short tuesday

i knew when i said yes to a friend in need i'd be blowing tuesday to shreds, but it wasn't a total washout - i got baby jake's carseat over to his daycare, grocery-shopped with libby, and managed to create a credible veggie dinner: green and yellow squash, peas, green beans, corn, carrots, pine nuts, pearl barley and quinoa pasta all blended together with a touch of olive oil, roasted garlic and herbs from the garden.

im pleased to no end with the progress i've made with my feet. between the accupuncture, the reiki, the tumeric, the pedicures, the yoga, and the toe dividers - my feet are actually no sorer than they ever were, despite a busy weekend driving and walking in manhattan. from a 7 on a pain scale...my pain has diminished in both feet to .5. i've decided to order a pair of customised orthotics... i like to walk too much not to be able to do so in comfort without risk of further injury, and im going to order a pair of walking shoes to fit the orthotics.

tomorrow evening im speaking at the public library in columbia, ct as part of the Connecticut Authors' Trail. im thinking of taking a page out of meg's irish professors' methods, and winging it.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

the need is growing...

become a certified, licensed Pagan Pet Protector today!

i've been thinking about this a lot. apparently a group of atheists have gotten together and are now offering to rescue the pets of christians who intend on being Raptured during the rapidly-approaching End of Days.

the reason it got me thinking was that if i were really intent on simply poofing out to the next dimensional plane of being - which i sort of am, anyways, cause i know im going to die - i'd prefer to know my beloved animals were being cared for, not by the people sitting on the fence in the coming conflagration, but by people on the presumably winning side. after all, no one says the Anti-Christ intends to treat his minions badly.

i know lots of pagans who love animals AND who aren't afraid to declare themselves pentacle-packing members of the Other Side. so, in the spirit of the rampant capitalism we're supposed to buy into, im thinking of launching a competitor for the atheists: PAGAN pet protectors, who, for a nominal fee, promise to rescue any christian pet should the Rapture occur in the next ... oh... some reasonable span of years. maybe we'll open with a special deal good through 12/22/12, and a renewable fee every year or so. i wouldn't want to be accused of bilking the gullible, after all...my goal, like the insurance companies, is to provide peace of mind.

i figure for an even more nominal fee - maybe five bucks - i will certify and license Pagan Pet Protectors as not only animal lovers BUT proud pagans. no loosie-goosie agnostics or atheists for us... only REAL pagans need apply. i don't personally know any christians who are counting on being Raptured either (or maybe they just don't admit such in my presence) but i'm told the Bible Belt is riddled with them.

im sensing Franchise.

and furthermore, the war will end.

baby jake makes a cake

this is baby jake. he's nearly two years old:


one day we needed cake.


we stirred all kinds of stuff together.


like eggs and sugar and flour:


we stirred and stirred and stirred some more.


oh, yeah, we did good.


hey, where'd the rest go?

a tale of two mamas

it's been a nice weekend so far. yesterday, we arrived at the restaurant in time to eat an enormous italian lunch served family style. we gorged ourselves on stuffed artichokes and mushrooms, salad, veal marsala, chicken parmigiana, and chilean sea bass. we all passed on dessert except Beloved, who had a birthday tartufo, accompanied by a rousing chorus of happy birthday. (one of the nice things about being sung to in new york restaurants is that so many of the waitstaff generally have trained voices.)

then it was off to Hair, where the only disappointment was the cranky old lady at the end of the row who wouldn't let us out to dance onstage at the end of the show. as i said to Beloved, who offered to take libby to see it... next time we'll know to get aisle seats. we also talked about getting tickets for hamlet - jude law's in the title role - billy elliot, and the new addams family musical coming out next year. (i bet i know what im getting for my birthday :).)

this morning, we got up early and ate at one of the little breakfast places that abound in new york. next stop was brooklyn and don's mom's apartment, where we picked up few things she needed, stopped to buy her a ham sandwich - you know you're dealing with a rebel when a resident of a sepphardic nursing home wants you to bring her a ham sandwich.

we got home around four to a clean house and folded laundry. then it was off to the grocery store for Beloved who had to retrieve many dozens of rolls, a crate of bananas and a variety of other assorted items for the soup kitchen picnic tomorrow.

at the end of meg's first week away, libby seems to be enjoying Only Child Status, and meg seems to be enjoying her adventures in dublin. if you haven't yet, go check out her latest blog HERE.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

happy birthday, my Beloved

fourteen years ago this month, i was in the middle of the worst place of my life.

the marriage i'd endured for nearly 14 years had disintegrated into an abyss of hearings and petitions and baseless accusations aimed at punishing me for having the temerity to file for divorce. one of my ex's favorites: i was having lesbian affairs with my writer friends. (he couldn't accuse me of heterosexual affairs, because none of them were men.) if there was a light at the end of the tunnel, i sure couldn't see it. i was holding on to my children, my house and my sanity with the slenderest of threads.

every morning, after the kids left for school, before the daily nightmare began, i'd sign online and chat with four other women from all over the country. it was a relaxing way to begin my day, until one day in the summer, i noticed a male intruder screen-named PARKPLACE more and more in our midst. men were not high on my list of favorite things that summer. i didn't appreciate the way he changed the dynamic of the chatroom. i ignored him, as best i could, but he didn't like being ignored.

until one day, late august or early september, two of the women independently of each other said the same thing: you should talk to PARK.

why should i talk to PARK? i asked, completely taken aback. in the chatroom, he was obnoxious and rude and vulgar. when i wasn't ignoring him, i wasn't liking him.

you sound just like him, they both said.

my fingers dropped, my chin hit the desk. both times.

BUT IM NICE!!! i protested when i could... to both of them.

never let it be said i won't try anything - once. the next time i saw PARK i sent him an instant message. i don't remember the exact day, but i do remember i figured out that behind the churlish persona, he was nice too. (i sort of understood that - after all, my alter ego had spent years romping free as an 8 foot warrior-lizard named Kaa in a game of Dungeons & Dragons.)

he was also bruised from a very similar sort of relationship. as shakespeare observed, ripeness is all.

i like to think that we've helped each other heal.

so happy birthday, my Beloved. thank you for turning out to be the Light at the end of that tunnel.

feeling good friday

the checks are written, the last debts are paid. no one has been forgotten, no one has been left out. the sins of the fathers and the mothers have all been erased - or at least ameliorated - to the best of my ability with the scrawl of a ballpoint pen.

today, i really am free, at last.

i know a lot of people who have allowed family legacies to divide them. i know a lot of people who won't speak to one sibling or another because of hurt feelings over money and possessions. on some level my grandmother raised me to continue her war.

but i didn't. i never quite understood her malice toward my mother until recently, but i never bought into it because what my grandmother never understood about me was that i love my mother.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

bubble, bubble

today was so busy i last sat down to blog at 630 am this morning, got up to pour another cup of coffee and never sat back down - well, not long enough to blog. it seemed there was enough on my plate today without ruminating about it.

i went for an accupuncture treatment and had a foot scan that showed i need orthotics. i wasn't really surprised, i had suspected as much, but it was rather dizzying to see the damage in glaring red and yellow. then it was off to sit with baby jake, who didn't look at all sick to me but gave me such a big smile and a hug that i instantly forgave him for getting sick - im not sure i'll forgive him so readily if he gets ME sick, but he really is so damn cute at this point... tomorrow i will hunt down the camera and post some photographs.

he started to scream the minute he saw the driveway of the parking lot of his pediatrician's building (oh yeah, said katie, he's been doing that for months now.) the doctor and her assistant were lovely people who confirmed what i suspected - he was a little boy with a cold that he was just going to have to get over. on the way home, he fell asleep, tired out from a day of not napping and screaming his head off for an hour. hopefully, the chicken soup i left bubbling on the stove will help.

tonight i went to my pagan study group. i think that's what we're calling it. we could be calling it something else and i just wasn't paying attention. we talked about the experiences that have shaped our beliefs, and the beliefs we now hold that shape our experiences. as usual, we laughed a lot.

in between, i came home to one of the sweetest gifts i think Beloved has ever given me. outside, in two large pots, adorned with two big red bows, waiting for me, were two holly trees - a boy and a girl. i was so focused on getting inside i walked right past them. there's a note, said Beloved, looking ever so hurt. inside it said:
HERE ARE TWO HOLLIES ... FOR OUR HOME. i was in such a rush, i don't think i said more than, "wow... thanks."

he's snoring on the couch now. but the yankees are winning, and i'll make it up to him later.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

report from the home front

will you miss baby jake, my mother enquired the other day, when i told her that i'd taken him to see his new school on friday afternoon.

im going to have him when he's sick, i said.

oh, my mother said. there was a long pause and then we practically said together:

"i/you're going to see an awful lot of him."

we both laughed. that was then.

this morning katie called and asked if i could help out tomorrow afternoon by sitting with him while he naps and then taking him to the doctor.

it sure didn't take long.

in other news, i continue to take advantage of as much peace and quiet as i can muster, especially considering that we're going away for much of the weekend... to new york on saturday to have lunch and see a show with my mother and stepfather and brother for their birthdays (saturday is Beloved's birthday, so the only birthday we won't be celebrating is mine, but that's okay - they all came to my party ;).) monday we're helping to prep the Labor Day picnic at one of the Hartford soup kitchens and then going to a party at a friend's. it will give Beloved a chance to see one of his very closest friends he hasn't seen in a while.

i also managed to slog through more of the laundry and the dust bunnies today, but i also made time for lunch with a friend and a couple short walks with the puppies. tomorrow, before i watch baby jake, i have another accupuncture appointment, and between that the reiki i can give myself, the relief i've felt is just amazing.

it's also an Ask Annie Wednesday over at Sited & Blogged... someone asked what tarot cards are.. and how they "work"....it was a big question, but i did my best :).

my baby has a blog!

meggie set up her own blog to chronicle the ups and downs of a semester abroad in dublin: Meg in Ireland. go check it out and tell her mommy sent you!!! (on second thought... don't tell her that.)

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

sweet september

i woke up giddy as a school-boy on the last day of school. even better... it was the first day of school and i didn't have to go! i was so giddy it took me a while to figure out what to do. here's what i did today:

1. cleaned my bathroom
2. changed my sheets
3. started catching up with email and phone calls
4. spent an hour undoing damage to a friend my former associate caused
5. washed, dried and folded three loads of laundry
6. began to sort through junk in junk room so it can be turned into an exercise room instead
7. harvested herbs: mugwort, yarrow, betony, motherwort, sweet annie, lavender, and white sage
8. brewed myself a cup of red raspberry leaf tea from leaves picked fresh from the raspberry bushes (tried to pick raspberries but the birds got there first.)
9. meditated
10. played the piano and sang
11. found a yummy-looking potato and onion fritta to have for supper tonight... im thinking of adding some spinach.
12. am eagerly looking forward to seeing girl-friends tonight
13. gave myself a pedicure
14. followed the Angel Guidelines religiously (heehee - pardon the pun)


so, Gentle Reader... what about you?

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

the package has been delivered

i woke up this morning on the dot of 4:30 am, almost the exact time, according to the airline's web site, meg's plane landed in dublin. i wont hear from her for a bit ... she has all sorts of logistical things to figure out.

today is libby's last day of summer. today is jake's first day of school. today i'm putting the Angel Way proposal in the mail.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

a thought for my moo

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -- Anaïs Nin

all her bags are packed...

im not sure if meg's ready to go but a plane just flew overhead. im thinking that's a Sign.

will you miss me, mommy, asked meggie wistfully, my baby who i recognised from birth as being so much like me.

honey, i said gently, you're 22.

it's not that i won't miss her... it's that i know it's time for her to go. every fledgling has to fly. i'm lucky, in that my love for solitude and space means that i anticipate my empty nest more than a lot of other women i know. and now that i've been a mother for nearly 30 years, i've come to understand that this is a job that never really ends - the breaks just get longer.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

saturated saturday

it's a perfect day to sleep in... with the temperatures fallen below 60 and a gray, drizzly rain i think should be called grizly. Beloved and i did just that - lying in til after TEN! i can't remember the last time i did that.

today's meg's last day home - we've already gone shopping to pick out colors and ideas for the redecorated room she's going to come home to. next on our agenda is a movie - District 9 - and then dinner at our new favorite italian place, amici's in avon.

i finished the chapter part of our Eating.. the Angel Way proposal. If the finished manuscript is approximately 35,000 words, we have a good 25% to submit along with our proposal. my goal is to pick the finalized copy up from karen's house on monday afternoon and take it directly to the post office. it will feel good to have something new in front of my agent.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

finally friday...

and it feels like fall. i woke up to a hollow roaring in the trees. it was faint, and quickly followed by the swish of heavy leaves, but i heard it nonetheless. the air, when i walked the puppies, had just the edge of a bite.

don't let it be september, moaned a friend the other day til i wanted to throttle her.

this morning, the last morning of baby jake and total chaos, i watched the mist rise off the pond, and listened to the crows calling in the trees. it can't be september fast enough for me.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

sic transit gloria mundi

in a bizarre way i wasn't surprised to wake up to find that ted kennedy died. today's The Day my grandmother's house sells at last, according to the settlement documents - today's the day the buyers sign the papers and turn over the check.

today, at least for me, an era truly does come to an end.

are you ready, asked Beloved anxiously this morning, not even trying to conceal his anticipation. can you give it up and let it go... that empty old husk of a house?

it hurts, but i can do it. this morning, i printed out my Wish List and started deciding on priorities, making lists, and other plans. it's time to take the energy that's been held in that old house and turn it into Something Else.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.