Sunday, March 2, 2008

how i quit writing...and started up again (part two)

i see what your trouble is, said the career counselor. you're not good at low-evel tasks.

i make a nice pot roast, i replied. that's not exactly rocket science.

but i bet you like to eat pot roast, he answered.

we made an appointment for another session, to discuss possible options. don't bother, whispered the little Voice in the back of my head when i stopped to make the appointment.

why not, i whispered back, as i drove away.

just trust, said the little Voice.

it was hard though. by october, my work began to dry up, projects began to cancel and to be put on hold. a round of layoffs rippled through the company. i spent my days surfing the net, reading online newspapers and resisting the urge to write the story that was beginning to bubble in my brain with increasing frequency.

i don't do that any more, i'd tell myself. i don't have to do this any more, i'd think. i made some half-hearted efforts at polishing up my resume. don't bother, said the little Voice. easy for You to say, i answered. You don't seem to have any bills.

finally, on halloween - samhain - i asked for a Sign. i'd experienced a series of what i could only characterize as paranormal/mystical experiences, the last being in april of 2002, when i had a vision in which i saw my mother being healed of the breast cancer with which she had just been diagnosed. why is it given to me to know this, i remember i asked.

so that you may be absolutely assured of the presence of the Divine in your life, replied the Voice. i remember even now how those Words, how that knowing resonated in the core of my soul. i remember how calm i was through my mother's surgeries and treatments, how unsurprised i was when my mother did indeed make a full recovery.

i decided to put that to the test. i remember i took a ritual bath with great care, cast a salt circle, lit a black candle, and got to work. i need a Sign, i said. i don't know where i'm going, i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i used to think i was supposed to write stories, but that didn't seem to work out. everyone else thinks this corporate stuff is the right thing to do, but it doesn't fit right with me. over the years, i've heard You and You always give me good advice, and You always tell me things that are true, so... could i please have a Sign?

and, oh yeah, i remember i added, almost as an afterthought... would You please make it Obvious?

and furthermore, i'd really like this freaking war to end. blessed be.

1 comment:

Ashley Ladd said...

Did you ever get your sign?

I write stories but I also work in the corporate world and like it pretty well. My talent seems to be admin - I'm a customer service manager and I type 100+ wpm and take shorthand and am pretty good with computers in general. If I could afford to give up the day job and write, I think I would. I had high hopes once of making it big enough in writing to do that, but as the years go by, I'm beginning to wonder. I like the safety of a guaranteed weekly paycheck and not the maybe of royalties. Of course, I have 4 kids still at home to support.

Good luck with what you decide.