seven am and the world is already sweltering. i could've walked the puppies naked this morning. the light is steaming through the trees, the pines hang heavy, pearled with dew and pollen. rivulets of that pollen, thick as chalk dust, streak the surface of the driveway. it poured last night, but did nothing to relieve the heat.
my grandmother woke us with a phone call at 4 AM, and then another at 445. she seemed particularly hostile and crazed yesterday, to the extent i spoke to the nurse about it. her mind is clearly going. the tumor is unquestionably affecting her ability to relate to the world around her...where once she had the ability to relate to other people if she wanted to, now she has lost the choice. her entire existence spins around herself...her mindset, i am convinced is much like that of baby jake.
and oh, she is angry... angry at the world spinning out of her control, angry at the people and the places and the systems that betrayed her. she expresses her frustration with big eyes and gritted teeth and sentences that make no sense. take me back to the flower store, she pleaded. i have a room on the second floor.
no, you don't, roey, i said as patiently as i could. when she started threatening to call the police and her lawyer, i said i'd had enough and got up to leave. that's when she changed her tune and begged me to stay.
this afternoon, after Beloved and i go to home depot and pick out the rest of the kitchen... pick out some new hardware and a new dishwasher, as well as a couple air conditioners... including one for my writing room... i will go back to see my grandmoher and deliver, as gently and kindly as i can, a small dose of reality.
and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be.