Friday, July 18, 2008

crisis of creation

a few nights ago, i attended another meeting of the fledgling writers' circle. the topic was fear. our voices rose in turn, one after the other, as the deepening dusk darkened the perimeter of the room like a greek chorus shrouded black.

i'm afraid you won't like my writing, and therefore, won't like me. i'm afraid that what i have to say won't be good enough, interesting enough, funny or brilliant enough. i'm afraid i will never measure up to the expectations of my family, my peers and most of all myself. i'm afraid that i will discover i am not shakespeare. i'm afraid i will never have enough time/treasure/freedom to create. i'm afraid i'm just not that good. i'm afraid i'm wasting my time. i'm afraid that what i write will never see the light of day/find an audience/touch a reader. i'm afraid, i'm afraid, i'm afraid.

me, too, i kept thinking, though i am not sure anyone there believed me. and yet, now, with a manuscript under review since january, and so many projects competing for my attention, i feel almost unmoored, unanchored, and alone. without a set of characters in my head to keep me company, as well as all the demands on my attention in Real Space, i feel adrift, somehow, as if the chaos i so joyfully embraced has betrayed me, leaving me rudderless amidst a suddenly silent sea.

what next, i think. what now?

when i go to that place where my writing begins, i see a dark pool of water ringed with rocks that bears a superficial resemblance to the Hag's Sea in my silver series. but unlike that green and ever-roiling water, the surface of this pool is completely still, the water very black. if i want the story - any story - i will have to dive in. i hesitate, afraid that everything, and nothing, might be there.

and furthermore, the war must end. blessed be.

4 comments:

Linda Robertson said...

Annie! (Hi again!) The full moon is about to wane! Get out a sickle and harvest those fears and doubts, pull them together like the dry husks they are, and get rid of them! They're in the way, hiding the greenery beneath! Your words are poetic and beautiful and they evoke such emotion...just make sure the weeds are gone so you can be open to the inspiration that comes!

BB
Linda

P.A. GIbbons said...

Annie; I had the same discussion the other day with my therapist about art. I am going to link to your blog about this when I write that post on my art blog.

xxpatti

Walk in the Woods said...

"... everything and nothing ..."

Your words give me pause. Pause to wonder ... just what exactly IS the difference?

:)

As for Shakespeare ... if anyone ever shows up AS Shakespeare, please let me know and I will confirm it - gladly. For the taste of lips so sweet I will NEVER forget. And FOREVER long for. Methinks.

Karen said...

Annie

How about "I'm afraid I can talk the talk but not walk the walk!"

I have always been told I have the rare gift of inspiring others to take action... helping them find their path. Often, other's find their way before I find my own! Maybe that's why I started the Writer's Circle... some part of me knows that I will receive back what I give... I just have to let go of expectation of what that may look or feel like and be receptive to what is, what comes....

Thanks for posting about the group.
Karen (creator of the writing group that Annie is participating in)