Wednesday, November 28, 2007

the stranger beside me

at some point in any long term relationship, one inevitably turns to the other person in the relationship and wonders, how the hell did i get HERE, and who the fuck are YOU?

i reached that point last night.

i won't bore you with the details. suffice it to say, that the Beloved i thought i knew and loved has somehow morphed in the last few months into a bizarre combination that strikes me as a cross between napoleon, mother theresa, attila the hun and henry ford. having known none of them personally, not even in a past life (except possibly attila) i can't be sure but i am not at all liking this do-gooding autocrat who puts his method of Saving The World before anyone else's desires, wishes, needs, or wants.

it's too bad his vision of Saving The World isn't more like MY vision of saving the world, because there is much to admire about the energy, passion and sheer conviction with which Beloved attacks the task. already his accomplishments in the four short months he's ruled - i mean been President of the Board - aren't simply laudable but exemplary. if one could make a DVD about appropriate goals for the chairman of a nonprofit for a year, one might point to Beloved's first two and a half months.

but nothing comes without a price, and in Beloved's case, he seems to have paid with his lovable side. and that makes me so sad.

not just because he's a bear to live with, but because he seems to have lost all joy. with his eyes so focused on results, on accomplishment, on getting the job done, Beloved reminds me of the character of Abelard, in daughter of prophecy, who gained a kingdom, but lost his soul.

changing the world in my opinion is about changing the way people live and work together. in my opinion, changing the world begins when you treat others with love, kindness, empathy and respect. HOW things get done should be at least as important as WHAT gets done. HOW people and the greater world are affected in the process should be at least as important as WHAT we do.

changing the world in my opinion is about valuing each and every human being as the unique facet of Spirit that they are and acting out that valuing in each and every interaction. it is the very antithesis of the methods that the sranger in my Beloved's skin has chosen to apply, that are spilling into our life together. i don't like this Stranger, and i am not shy about saying so.

changing the world is not about winning or losing, accomplishing or failing. changing the world is not so much about changing yourself but coming to Know your Self so well you don't have to morph into a tyrannical Stranger to get a job done.

because behind that little hitler, hiding in the shadow, is the Child my Beloved was, the scared and terrified little boy for whom the world was full of very real monsters. i hope i can find a way past this nasty Mask to connect to that little Boy, because he is one of the pieces of my Beloved that i love and cherish the most. he is the counterpart to my own terrified little girl. our experiences as children in some way mirror and reflect each other's so uniquely i am totally convinced it was part of some Greater Plan, some pre-determined contract to chisel fit more perfectly the pieces of our souls.

i am reminded i have a Mask of my own, a Stranger just as angry, just as sullen, just as dark. i turn my head to look outside my window but all i see is a perfect image of myself, staring back at me. she winks, and turns away.

and furthermore the war must end. blessed be.

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