Sunday, March 16, 2008

day of infamy

twenty-eight years ago this evening, just as the sun began to set, i walked down the aisle in a little lutheran church in a place called secane, pennsylvania and pledged myself in marriage to my first husband.

when i look back, and remember the child that i was, i'm not sure if i want to smack me or hug me. what i would really like to do is throw myself in front of me and plead: no, no, a thousand times no.

but i dont think i would've listened. i didn't know that i should've listened to the little Voice that said, don't go - when my ex asked me out. i didn't know that there are people in the world who can only express their deepest emotions with their fists. i didn't know there are sons who hit their mothers. i didn't know there are mothers who violate their sons. i didn't understand the depths of primal rage, primal pain.

i do now.

my own personal hades was mostly defined by what is not there. my walk down the aisle was just the first step into the first tier of a hell i had no ability to imagine. i once was blind, but now i see.

i see so well in fact, that i understand how necessary those experiences are to the person i am now. i understand that if i suffered, ray is still suffering. i walked through the fire of his hell and escaped. he's still there. i don't believe he will leave it in this lifetime.

and so this evening, as the sun sets, i raise my coffee cup and put down my paint brush and i will whisper a prayer ..both for the lesson and the teacher.

1 comment:

Stacie said...

Wow, very powerful. I am sorry you had to endure all that, but like you said, it has made you who you are. How compassionate of you to understand that he is still living in the hell of his making.