Monday, March 16, 2009

wholeness

that's the word for the day, according to my Living a Sacred Life (a collection of 365 meditations & celebrations) by Robin Heeren Lysne. part of the meditation of the day is to affirm and celebrate one's whole being, even those parts that we don't always want to acknowledge, or have lost along the way.

today is the 29th anniversary of my first marriage. today, 29 years ago, i chose a path that forever set the trajectory of my life. do i regret it? you bet i do. it's the second worst decision i ever made, right after my agreeing to go out with mister ex in the first place. and yes, i have four wonderful children and yes, i know they wouldn't be exactly the same if he weren't their father, but i think they'd be exactly as wonderful if i'd had them with somebody else. if only i could rethink that walk down the aisle.

but i can't.

i could, i suppose, spend a lot of time looking back and beating up the naive, silly young girl i used to be. i know i'm still silly but im no longer so young, nor so naive. mister ex made sure of that. i'm a very different person now from who i was 29 years ago, and mostly thanks to mister ex and his mother, the Demon Hag from Hell, which was my pet name for her. (i expect to hear any day now she's made the great divide, but i'm thinking her delayed crossing isn't due to any argument between God and the Devil as it was in my grandmother's case. i just think Hell doesn't have a suite hot enough yet.) the other instrument of my Great Awakening was the american legal system, but that's a blog for another day.

i look back now, and i see myself poised in my white dress, not so much a Bride but a Baby, about to experience an Initiation of fire. i was about to learn that there are people for whom love is a concept more allied to manipulation and control than to compassion and empathy. i was about to learn that there really are people who seek to destroy the souls of others.

it's been fourteen years since i filed for divorce. it was my writing that saved me - my writing and all the wonderful women it brought into my life, who held up mirrors and showed me what was really happening in my life. it took me fourteen years to see it.

by the grace of the Divine and my family, who, no matter how much i may tweak them in my blog here, rose to the Occasion with grace and financial backing, i got away, and my girls got away and eventually, even my son got away. we all have our scars, but we're all a lot more than okay...except mister ex, who's finally dissolved into his own foul little swamp of a life.

at least today, as i look back at that girl in her long white dress, i realize that the Lesson i had to learn was the Lesson i had to learn...whatever path she chose would've led me into that same dark place. she was making the best choice she thought she could, under the circumstances. and, really, she did okay - she carried within herself the seeds of who i have grown into.

today i remind myself, as ms lysne suggests, that "i am complete and whole in myself...i call those parts that are not feeling their wholeness to me and join with them in love."*

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

*Lysne, Robin Heeren, Living a Sacred Life: 365 Meditations & Celebrations, Conari Press, 1997, pg 84.

14 comments:

Lynette said...

I know that they say we become due to our past. But I agree there are parts that are forged by a fire that burns too brightly. And I too would love to have the softer side that would be there if I had not be heated and shaped into a sharper edge. Time does reflect the past, but it also keeps it at bay too. Bless Be.

April said...

That was an exceptionally moving post, Annie! You have come so far and you're all the stronger for it! Keep your head held high and thank your lucky stars you got out when you did! I couldn't help but chuckle at your comment about your former mother-in-law!

I always love it when you share your heart so openly...THANK YOU! Have a super day!

Dina said...

that was a lovely post..we are often too afraid to say we regretted a certain choice in our lives even though deep down we do, and we need to bring that to the surface

pam said...

What a wonderful way to look at a part of your life you would like to forget. I am a firm believer in that the things we go through are molding us it the people who we are! You are in my thoughts today:)

Laura Rose said...

Amen. And now you are that support for others.

Martha said...

Beautiful post, thank you Annie. I am tempered by the fire like steel. Our scars are a sign of healing, glad you got away from the ba$tard.

NJDecorator said...

Wow, and you have my undying support.

lisa lind said...

you read my mind- but you probably knew that! lol...came by to see what book you were talking about and voila! first paragraph! lol....I can so relate with some of your regrets. I too would love to say I didn't fall in love, marry and spend all that time with my ex. Sure would've loved to have known the person I call sweetie today back then! Oh well, I guess every path leads us to where we are meant to be! :o)

annie kelleher said...

lynette - your words are true... blessed be!

april - ty so much for stopping by and your kind words! they mean so much to me!

dina - wild women do, and they don't regret it - no matter how much it hurts the next day (or week or year!)

annie kelleher said...

pam - ty so much for your kind words... its so nice to see you again!

laura - thats what we've both had to learn, eh?

martha - ty so much.... your st pat's day post made me chuckle ... ive been missing reading your blog!

annie kelleher said...

nj - i can't wait to show you my finished bathroom.. we got the faucet on sunday!!! im hopng my son in law will put it in some time this week!!!

lisa - funny thing about coincidences, huh??? so nice to see you!!!

Juls said...

I love the way you put it all out there. I'm sorry that your first marriage was less than desirable (to say the least)...but am so happy for you that you took control of your life, and now...well, just look at you.. :)

Kim said...

I try not to regret the fires I've walked through as I like the person I have become/am becoming as the journey nevewr ends. And you have blossomed and inspire me.

Carol J. said...

"i am complete and whole in myself..."

such true and powerful words, annie. it's one of the messages i try so hard to help my girls understand, but not an easy one for sure. without our whole selves, we are not our true selves. it's not always an easy journey to be sure, but one well worth taking.