Monday, March 30, 2009

last day forty-nine

fifty years ago today, i'm fairly sure my mother woke up and said, "shit, im still pregnant."

today i woke up and thought, it's my last day forty-nine. today i like to look back and take stock - of where i've been and where i seem to be headed. i began this when, forty-five years ago, my father happened to wish me a "happy last day five." i remember i looked down at my hand, and thought, "tomorrow i start a new hand. i better think about this."

i dont remember what i thought about that day, as i contemplated the fingers of my left hand. today i think about my dear friend lorraine, who died a few years ago, and whose presence i sorely miss. i think about my grandmother, who very nearly lived to see this day. i think how much i miss the one, and how much i'm grateful that the agony of what her life became is finally over for my grandmother.

i think about where i was ten years ago - newly laid-off for the first time, still fending off regular legal assaults launched by my ex. (i'm still not quite sure why he continued to be so vicious after our divorce was final. revenge for having the temerity to leave him, i suppose.) my son was still living with his father, an unwitting victim of his father's propaganda. mister ex owed me upwards of forty thousand dollars in child support. i spent a lot of time being afraid. i didn't acknowledge that i heard Voices or knew things before they happened. some weeks i didn't know how i was going to feed my three girls.

in ten years a lot has changed.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

34 comments:

mrsb said...

Happy Birthday, one day early!

Dina said...

its amazing how much changes so quickly..expect an email from me later on a few subjects

Divaeva said...

Happy last day of 49! *hug*

Laura Rose said...

Happy last day! May 50 bring even more blessings!

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

What a wonderful and thought provoking posts girl.
I too went through the viscious legal attacks of the "ex-bastard". I think that they did it to break us....financially and spiritually.
Didn't work for either of them did it?
My ex-bastard is now one of the unhappiest persons that I know and none of his three children will give him the time of day. Rarely have I gotten to witness such glorious and deserved Karma. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
And here we are today Annie.....happy ladies :) No revenge is sweeter than living well and being happy.
Happy Birthday a day early. Party like you're 25, lol.

Steady On
Reggie Girl

NJDecorator said...

May the next 50 years of your life be filled with more good things! Have a great Birthday.

April said...

Hope your birthday is everything and so much more than you'd hoped for, Annie! Enjoy it to the max! As they say, "You've come a long way, baby!" :)

Amy said...

Have a great Birthday...

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Happy last day of 49! :) Isn't 50 the new 30? ;) It is amazing how much things can change in the short span of 10 years - you are definitely in a better place. :) ((HUGZ!))

Martha said...

Here's to the next forty nine years!

Carol J. said...

Did you ever know what an inspiration you'd be? Or how strong you really are? Happy day-before-your-birthday!

lettersfromlordship said...

Fifty was my BEST year! I think it will be a great one for you, too.

I see two books under contract in your future.

I see lots of joy from your family.

I see even more understanding of yourself and the world. The angels are on your side.

Lynette said...

Just do me one lil favor tomorrow

D A N C E

The Mindful Chef said...

haapy day annie

Allison said...

Happy last day of the 40's and welcome to 50!

Patti Gibbons said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Are you sure we weren't separated by birth as twins?!!!

A great big hug to you sista!

xxp

Hi! I'm Grace said...

Have a happy returns of the day. :)
We love you, Annie. You have shared a lot of good things to us.

Walk in the Woods said...

Happy Last Day 49 (by the skin of my teeth)!!!!

Juls said...

Happy Birthday.. Ten years can bring a lot of change.....Here's to many, many more great years!! :-)

April said...

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Annie,
Happy Birthday to YOU!

And MANY more!!! Much love on your special day!♥

pam said...

Happy Birthday to you!

Look how far you have come, be proud of yourself!! Wishing you a wonderful day.

Teneal said...

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear annie.... haaappy biiirthdaaay tooo yooooouuuuu!"

*Big finishing tap dance*

"And many mooooorrre!"

Hope you had a spectacular day :)
Teneal xx

Kathy said...

Happy Birthday!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Happy Birthday!! I hope this year brings you great joy.

I started your book (finally)-- Miss Ky gave me enough time to read 13 pages. Pathetic, I know, but I was just thrilled to finally say I was starting :-)

Selchie said...

Happy happy birthday lovely day!!! I hope that this year brings you all that you wish for. Looks like we will be entering new decades together I turn 40 in two days.. sh.. dont tell anyone, I still believe I am 25.
Have a wonderful day, look forward to reading all about it.

Happy year!!))))

Bee and Rose said...

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday! I love the "starting a new hand" part! May this next phase of your journey be filled with dreams realized and wished fulfilled!

Maritzia said...

Happy Birthday, and congratulations on reaching 50!

I just turned 47, and my 40s have been so wonderful, I can't wait to reach 50 and see how great that decade is!

My your next decade on this earth bring you everything you need and some of what you want!

Veggie Mom said...

Well, we're all just 29 and holding, right? As the song goes, holding everything we can!

Dia said...

Welcome to the delicious 50s, Annie!! I know you'll enjoy them. I, too, liked the image of your five year old self contemplating your hands & 'six!' My 4 year old grand daughter & I were reading a book the other day, & she kept showing me '4s' . . . it's fun to see her making that connection.

Be well, be happy, kick up your heels!!

April said...

Oh, Annie...where for art thou?

Lynette said...

ANNIE WHERE ARE YOU
I AM GETTING MORE THAN WORRIED NOW

HOLLOR TO LET US KNOW YOUR OK

Maricris Zen Mama said...

I likened our trial and tribulations to us being like gold, tempered in fire to reveal the precious us. Life does has its ups and down but it always moves forward to those who wants to. Glad you did! :) You go girl!

Hi! I'm Grace said...

I'm here again... looks like you are having a "Time Out". :)
We all need that sometimes, though.

Juls said...

Checkin' in..hope all is well! :)