hello, darkness, my old friend

i woke up in tears this morning. the air was as sharp as hecate's breath - autumn's in the wind. this year, summer's been more elusive than sweet, and feels more fleeting than ever.

why are you crying, asked Beloved.

i don't know, i answered, as i fled. men can be wonderful for a lot of things but when i want unconditional comforting, there's nothing like a dog.

for more than an hour i cried, while sam and buddy licked my face and snuggled close and howled softly right along with me. at some point it occured to me i was crying exactly the way a child cries, and that what i was crying about were all the things over which i'd had no control.

i wasn't there when my great-grandfather decided to put the house smack on the corner of one of the busiest intersections in ocean city. i wasn't alive when all the emotional sturm und drang that created the situation that led to my parents' divorce went on. i wasn't responsible when my grandmother was allowing the place to fall into ruin.

at some point i recognized that all the things i'm upset about ... aren't things anyone can do anything about. to paraphrase gerard manley hopkins, it's annie i mourn for.

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.