last night i dreamed about my grandmother. she arrived for a visit looking ebullient, wearing a white fur coat with black spots that in retrospect i recognize as ermine. her hair was arranged in a fifties beehive, and i noticed something very strange about it when i got up to take her coat.
it was dark in the back, dark as mine used to be, dark as hers used to be in the fading photographs we have of her long-ago youth. while her face remained framed in the snow-white powder puff i'll always associate with her, even around her ears, the color was obviously coming back.
wow, roey, i said. you're getting younger...look at your hair.
oh, nanny dear, she said, where i am we get younger every day.
i woke up feeling visited, and wondering if perhaps this is one of those metaphorical nails ive been feeling in my foot. just yesterday, Beloved came home and told me that settlement on my grandmother's house has been scheduled for august 17th. the curtain falls on this backdrop of so many memories, the impetus even, for this blog, at last.
this is what my grandmother wanted. she wanted the house sold, even as she could not bring herself to leave it. she didn't want it to pass down the line, she didn't want it to be the ancestral home. she couldn't do it, and so i - ironically the least capable of all the possiblities - must.
just this morning, in my meditation, i asked the Angels why it's come to me, when it's so difficult for me, and if it's because im the one who - because of Beloved's prodigious attention to detail and financial acumen - can.
no, annie, They answered gently. it's because you're the one who cares.
and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.