wholeness

that's the word for the day, according to my Living a Sacred Life (a collection of 365 meditations & celebrations) by Robin Heeren Lysne. part of the meditation of the day is to affirm and celebrate one's whole being, even those parts that we don't always want to acknowledge, or have lost along the way.

today is the 29th anniversary of my first marriage. today, 29 years ago, i chose a path that forever set the trajectory of my life. do i regret it? you bet i do. it's the second worst decision i ever made, right after my agreeing to go out with mister ex in the first place. and yes, i have four wonderful children and yes, i know they wouldn't be exactly the same if he weren't their father, but i think they'd be exactly as wonderful if i'd had them with somebody else. if only i could rethink that walk down the aisle.

but i can't.

i could, i suppose, spend a lot of time looking back and beating up the naive, silly young girl i used to be. i know i'm still silly but im no longer so young, nor so naive. mister ex made sure of that. i'm a very different person now from who i was 29 years ago, and mostly thanks to mister ex and his mother, the Demon Hag from Hell, which was my pet name for her. (i expect to hear any day now she's made the great divide, but i'm thinking her delayed crossing isn't due to any argument between God and the Devil as it was in my grandmother's case. i just think Hell doesn't have a suite hot enough yet.) the other instrument of my Great Awakening was the american legal system, but that's a blog for another day.

i look back now, and i see myself poised in my white dress, not so much a Bride but a Baby, about to experience an Initiation of fire. i was about to learn that there are people for whom love is a concept more allied to manipulation and control than to compassion and empathy. i was about to learn that there really are people who seek to destroy the souls of others.

it's been fourteen years since i filed for divorce. it was my writing that saved me - my writing and all the wonderful women it brought into my life, who held up mirrors and showed me what was really happening in my life. it took me fourteen years to see it.

by the grace of the Divine and my family, who, no matter how much i may tweak them in my blog here, rose to the Occasion with grace and financial backing, i got away, and my girls got away and eventually, even my son got away. we all have our scars, but we're all a lot more than okay...except mister ex, who's finally dissolved into his own foul little swamp of a life.

at least today, as i look back at that girl in her long white dress, i realize that the Lesson i had to learn was the Lesson i had to learn...whatever path she chose would've led me into that same dark place. she was making the best choice she thought she could, under the circumstances. and, really, she did okay - she carried within herself the seeds of who i have grown into.

today i remind myself, as ms lysne suggests, that "i am complete and whole in myself...i call those parts that are not feeling their wholeness to me and join with them in love."*

and furthermore, the war will end. blessed be.

*Lysne, Robin Heeren, Living a Sacred Life: 365 Meditations & Celebrations, Conari Press, 1997, pg 84.