Tuesday, January 27, 2009

eating the angel way .. part 4

my search for a food plan i could live with didn't happen in a vaccum, of course. at the same time, i had embarked on a deeply spiritual journey, one that was enabling me not only to embrace the gifts i'd so long denied, but also to hear the self-sabotaging messages i was giving myself.

i realized that day after day, week after week, of forgetting to eat, of denying my body its critical nourishment, and then stuffing it with whatever i had closest at hand, was basically telling myself that i was supposed to come last. my needs didn't matter. my nourishment - physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual - didn't count. it could come dead last, after i had done my best to meet the needs of everyone around me.

the same self-sabotaging voice disparaged my writing, telling me that my books were silly, they didn't matter, and who'd want to read them anyway? the more i thought about all the insidious ways i had found to damage myself, the more i realized how hard, how cruel, even i really was to myself.

i was as ruthless and relentless as my own worst villians. to me.

and so, the long work of healing began. i began to sit with the Child, the Maiden, the Young Woman who was me. i began to encourage them to speak. they were hungry, they told me. hungry for love, for kindness, for sympathy and compassion. but they were also hungry for food.

which led me back to my refrigerator, staring into the depths, wondering... "so what the f@#%$#k am i supposed to eat?"

8 comments:

Lynette said...

My guess was not the special dark chocolate rasberry pudding fluff I made? Huh?

Laura Rose said...

we can be so hard on ourselves! if only we'd treat ourselves as we would treat a cherished friend!

annie kelleher said...

ooh, lynette, you'd be surprised!!!!

Walk in the Woods said...

I love your "eating the angel way!" It reminds me so very much of how my mom (and hers) would plan a meal - so that it was as lovely to look at as it was delicious to eat.

Even my uncle Chuck, my mom's baby brother, would close his fantastic meals with a dessert bowl of colorful fruit and cheese.

Patrice said...

To this day, my ex-husband thinks it's hilarious that I looked for a colorful vegetable to go on the plates at our wedding luncheon. Heh. The idea of caring about the color of food was absurd to him.

I am following your story with great interest. It has resonance for me. I wonder how much of this self-understanding and eventual serenity has to do with age, and how much with situation? Or are both necessary?

Mama Krit said...

That sentence at the end... but also they were hungry for food cracked me p. Yo are sch a witty writer. Do yo have a list of books you've published on your blog somewhere? I'd love to check them out.

Kim said...

we are often the hardest on ourselves - and society encourages that especially for women

Bonnie said...

I am so enjoying your eating the angel way....